So since I'm a lazy bastard, I've decided to remedy this by blogging from my phone. I'm going to regret this decision, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON. I'm just astounded how low I've fallen (by blogging on my phone... my dignity has always been rock bottom, LAWLZ).
As you can imagine, this post will be short, but all is well. I'm legally in this country, so that's a definite plus. My friend Mo is coming to visit me here in Istanbul at the end of November. That's pretty cool, right. My Turkish is coming along... not quickly, but it's coming (like your mother was last night... unless of course you're related to me, in which I retract the "your mother" statement. The women in my family are notorious for not being able to achieve orgasm and I will hear nothing to the contrary. I say GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR).
Well, that was quite a parenthesised tangent.
"But, Lon... what about your views on the political-"
Shut your whore mouths. Do the world a favor and vote Trump. Let America implode on its own batshit insanity and die with the virtually non-existent dignity it might have. The world will thank you.
"And what about a girlfr-"
Don't jinx me, motherfuckers. I don't want to put it print because that means it's real, and I'm not allowed to have nice things. So, silence I say!
I need to add a picture to this... ugh... let me see... let me see... hmmmm..
I'm not sure when the last time I wrote in here. It's been a month or so. I know... I suck. It happens. But, a lot of things have happened since I last wrote. I mean... there was a lot of nothing happening, but there were things too. Cool things. For example, I think I went to Tekirdağ since the last time I wrote. That's a city west of Istanbul. You say it "Teh-keer-daah." The "g" with the hat thingy is kinda silent... It's more like a French "r" and an super soft Arabic "ghayn." Who am I kidding, none of you motherfuckers know either of those letter.
It's fun to be condescending to my readership.
Anyway, that trip was something magical. I still need to travel to other parts of Turkey, but that will come later.
OH! I forgot! There was a coup attempt! Fuck you, America. I knew it was going to happen, but I wasn't sure when. I was ecstatic when it failed. Turkey is my home. You don't fuck with my home.
Home? But, isn't the US your home?
No. This will be a little hard to understand for my white readership, so let me explain. Home is where you feel comfortable. It is where you feel safe. It is where you feel welcomed. For a lot of you, the States have been the only place you've lived. As white people, America is for you. No one really seriously challenges your American-ness or right to be there. Sure, you occasionally have to look at a meme where there are Native Americans saying that you're an illegal immigrant, but that's a fuckin' meme, man. Not serious political action. You feel bad for like 5 minutes and then go on being happy or whatever white people do. I find it interesting that at this point, one of my friends would burst out "BUT YOU'RE WHITE!"
Ah... I forget on the count that when I have to fill out job applications that I can't honestly check that little box that says "White (Non-Hispanic)."
When your complexion and your ethnic group contradict.
Sure, my complexion is white. I'm not arguing that. But, let's get one thing straight; my skin has nothing to do with my culture or ethnic group. What's worse is that, as a Latino that passes for white, I get to hear all the fucked-up things people think about Latinos. I would put Mexicans, but honestly, most people don't know the difference. Do you? Can you point to Puerto Rico on a map? Don't google it. Right now... point to it on a map... I'll wait.
So that was fun, wasn't it? You might be saying, "Why should I need to know where Puerto Rico is?" Funny you should ask that. You see, we are a colony of the US. Sure, it's called a "commonwealth," but the Democratic Republic of Congo is called a "democratic republic," too. See how words are fun? See how this is a segue to a whole other topic? Aren't I a cheeky little bastard? SEGUE!
I got no time for pussy when I'm on my segue!
Now, Puerto Rico has been a colony since aboooooout 1898. Now being a Spanish-speaking island under the US during the early 1900s wasn't necessarily the best position to be in. A lot of fucked up shit happened. Believe you me. After completely destroying our independence movement and buying up most of our agricultural property through one-sided deals with a select few locals who sold out the future of our island, we are faced with a slight inevitable problem. Government funding. Puerto Rico can't choose who it trades with. It can't openly compete with American companies. It exists as a source of resources for American corporations. Oh! And it is a tax haven also. Don't forget that. Convenient.
Now, the government of Puerto Rico is in a temporarily-halted massive debt spiral of doom. I think it's the US's responsibility to pay it off.
WHAAAAT?!
Hear me out. The system in place is because of our "special" relationship with the US. We've given so much to the States (resources, people, soldiers, culture, tax havens, visa-free Caribbean getaway). We are in around 70 billion dollars of debt. Plus, you give Israel billions every year in free aid. Israel isn't even your fucking country. You know what that says? It says that you prefer to support an apartheid state than aid American citizens, which Puerto Ricans are. I say Puerto Rico gives its debtors the US's number and tell them that the US has the money. Apparently it does if it can continue to send billions of dollars to Israel simply for existing. Why doesn't the US make Israel the colony and let Puerto Rico go? They keep giving us the "opportunity to become a state," but that will never pass Congress.
Anyway, that's it for now. There'll be more. Meehhh
So, you want to become a Turk... Good. It's a fairly easy process... sort of. Wait... are you American? Oh... then, it will be a difficult process filled with confusion, fear, self-doubt, and a nagging sense of being uncomfortable. Luckily for me, I'm more Puerto Rican (culturally speaking), so it wasn't too difficult for me. Anyway, this is the guide to become Turkish! YAY!
And this is a picture of the Iron Sheikh wrestling a gummy worm
Step 1) Language
Do you speak any language other than Turkish? Yes? STOP IT! Real Turks only speak Turkish... Unless you're from the southeast of Turkey... then, chances are that you speak Kurdish. If that is the case, STOP IT! Never mention Kurdish. Yes, it exists, but you shouldn't acknowledge it exists. Always mutter something about the PKK. Make sure you do that in Turkish. Is your family from the southeast? Guess what? They never spoke Kurdish. Never. Your grandparents never spoke Kurdish. Your neighbors never spoke Kurdish. What's Kurdish? Is that like a salad dressing? Do you put it on hotdogs? Now, you're getting the hang of it.
Turkish is a great language. Just remember that the "c" makes a hard "j" sound. Always. The name "Can" sounds exactly like the English name "John." You don't smoke cigarettes; you drink jigarets. Drink up, baby.
Also, there are two g's. One is normal. It's the "g" as in "golf." The other has a weird hat on it. "Ğ" is the "silent g." The jury is out on whether or not it is the "silent yet deadly g." You pronounce it like a French "r." How do you pronounce a French "r"? Ummm... I... um... Moving on.
Remember that English won't put the hat on the "g," so you have to guess if it is there in words. For example, it's in yogurt. Feel betrayed yet? We'll come back to yogurt later.
"I'm waiting for you."
Step 2) Turkish Pride
You see that flag right there? Sexy isn't it? You will learn to love this flag. You will put it everywhere. Oh, and remember the Ottoman Empire. You know, that empire that lasted over 500 years and was a cosmopolitan mix of a vast amount of cultures, peoples, and ethnicities? It's only Turkish now. Only the Turks can claim it as theirs despite any evidence to the contrary. Fuck you that's why!
Do you like wolves? Of course you do! You're Turkish! Don't listen to those assholes that say you evolved from monkeys! Also, I know you're Muslim (and we will get to that point later) and it says that God made you from clay, but that's wrong too. You were made from grey wolves. Keep in mind that you are not a werewolf nor do you ever transform into a wolf at any time. Regular bullets can still kill you. They don't have to be silver. Just a heads up.
Try to remember the many contributions that Turks have given the world in the forms of cuisine. Baklava, Turkish coffee, yogurt, kebab, YOGURT! Whenever a foreigner mentions Greeks, go into a rabid fury about how those Greek bastards have stolen all these Turkish innovations. They really are thieving bastards. Those Greek thieving bastards.
Oh! and tea.
You will drink roughly 10 in a day. The max amount of sugar per cup is two sugar cubes. Anything more and you're basically an Arab... and no one wants to be an Arab. Damn sugar-loving Arabs.
Also, did something happen outside of Turkey? Who the fuck cares! Tune it out. Only Turkey matters. There's famine in Africa? Is Africa in Turkey? Nope! Don't care. Even when it comes to the politics of neighbors and those politics directly affect Turkey, you don't care. The civil war in Syria? What's your point? It isn't Turkey. Do I look like one of those sugar-loving Arabs? I don't care about anything outside of Turkey.
Step 3) Islam
You're Muslim now! Surprise!
Right now, it is Ramazan (or Ramadan in English, but you're wrong; it's Ramazan). Are you fasting? Don't worry, you don't need to. Just pretend you are right before iftar (dinner after sundown). Just don't drink water (easy), smoke (little harder), or drink tea (FUCKIN' IMPOSSIBLE) for a couple of hours before sundown. Look solemn and concentrated as you pretend to have been fasting the whole day. Make all the arrangements to have iftar. If anything goes wrong with the plan, get upset because remember... you've been fasting for the last hour and a half.
But what if you are actually fasting? Good for you. Don't worry about prayer though. Yes, you should pray five times a day, but let's get serious. You're fasting. That should be enough for God. It's definitely enough for you. Maybe, God shouldn't be so demanding. God should be happy that you're fasting. God should be grateful that you've decided to follow the rules. He should be happy that you decided to stop drinking on Friday nights during Ramazan. Other nights don't count because God is sleeping those nights. Shhhh! Don't wake him up.
Now, you're Muslim, and there's a thing about not having sex before marriage. Sure, there's butt sex. That doesn't count as sex because it's in the butt. That's why the butt is there... unless I'm missing something. However, maybe you just want regular ol' sex. It's okay... you can tell Lon. If you're a girl, this is easy. Step one is to find a guy. Rinse and repeat.
If you're a guy, finding a girl might be a little more difficult. Don't be thrown off by the girls with hijab. They get down too. You must never say it directly though. NEVER. You can hint at it. NEVER ASK A GIRL IF SHE IS A VIRGIN! YOU WILL GET SLAPPED! You can figure it out other ways. Ask if she is traditional or not. Traditional means she is waiting for marriage so you can only do butt stuff. Not traditional means she is good to go.
Lucky for you, Turkish women are gorgeous. Remember that.
Now for my Shi'a friends... you may not be disturbed by this. All you gotta do is find a Shi'a girl and have a nikah mut'ah. NOPE! No one does that here. Not a single girl will agree to that. Even if they aren't traditional, they will never agree to mut'ah. Go ahead... explain how it is halal. See how far that gets you (answer: nowhere).
Also, the term Shi'a (Shii in Turkish). You have to be more specific. There are a few types of Shii here. The most popular is Alevi. They are groovy people, but they aren't what you're used to if you're an Arab Shi'i. Then, there are the Bektashi. They are from Trakya (Thrace). They are also groovy, but again... not what you're used to. The one you're looking for is Jaferi... but wait... they are also known as Azeri... like people from Azerbaijan. It's a little confusing because Turks know Shii, but not necessarily Jaferi. You have to say you are Azeri even though you aren't from Azerbaijan. It's complicated, man... that's why I'm writing this down.
Final Thoughts
Now, this is by no means a complete guide. I'm writing this at 12 o' clock at night... I want to go to sleep. I have work in the morning. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! Anyway, this should be a good start on your journey to... BECOMING TURKISH!
Judging by the outcome of the presidential primaries, I'm sure a lot of you are desperate to find a way to leave America. Worry not, my good friends. Papa Lon (fuck it, that's what I'm referring to myself at the moment) has your back. But... let us first pause as I soak in this glorious moment of "I-fucking-told-you-so."
Is that a hint of hazelnut I detect?
Now first, let's analyze this situation. So we got Trump and Hillary... and you guys are fucked. What's sad is that most of the world is focused on Trump. I get it. He's absolutely insane. He says terrible things, but that's the thing... they are just words. Hillary on the other hand... well, we'll play a little game.- YAY!-
The game is to see how many articles I can reference to her past horrific actions and current stances. Are you ready?
So, what can you do? You have two horrible choices. You are simply voting against the candidate you want to lose. Ah, Democracy. This is what we demand other countries have.
Oh! And guns. Yes, we have the Second Amendment, but Fuck that Amendment. Now, hear me out...
I'm not saying this because I don't think you shouldn't have guns. I'm saying this because no one in America uses them correctly. Hunting? Self-protection against other citizens? Mass shootings? No! NO! NOOOOO! It's all wrong.
We have guns for the sole purpose of arming a militia to fight a tyrannical government. Well, the government has been tyrannical for some time now, and we still demand no one shoots a cop. We still stand up to support the people who oppress us today or will oppress us tomorrow. So guess what, America? You've lost your right to have guns because you were too cowardly to put your lives on the line for your country. No, going to Iraq is not fighting for your country. You're fighting for corporate interests. Don't be mad at me for stating the obvious. I think deep down, you always knew. It's okay. You can cry on my shoulder. Let it out... shhh shhhh... let it out.
Anyway, if you want to leave America (no, Canada is not an option), you have to be skilled labor. For example, I am an ESL teacher. I have a certification and what-not. I'm all set to go. Any engineers reading this? Yeah, you can make your way over here. Oh, you might want to learn another language. It tends to help.
If you want to get certified to teach English... it'll cost you a bit, and you're going to need some free time. The best certification is CELTA. Trust me, it's the tits. You can go anywhere with that shit. Maybe, you aren't ready for that kind of commitment. Maybe, you just want to get your toe in the water. Maybe, you're a little bitch.
If that be the case, just search for TESL certification. It has many names. TEFL, TESOL, Larry.
Anyway, so I'm fasting right now... you know... Ramadan. It's more than just not eating. It's not smoking or drinking.
You get used to it. Trust me, the not-drinking-anything makes the not-eating-anything way easier. Hopefully that sentence made sense. The only thing I don't like about Ramadan is my breath. It is not pleasant. Mine right now is a borderline war crime.
Alright, so it's been some time. To be fair, I've been working everyday for the last month. Now, is this an adequate excuse? No, of course it isn't. Have I had better things to do? No. No I have not.
Anyway, first matter of business. No updates on women.
Well, sort of.
Well, not really.
I don't know. Anyway, moving on.
I'm feeling a little lethargic right now. I don't want to do any of the gifs and stuff.
So, no one tell my dad, but I've started working out. He must never know. If you are reading this, Dad, UNREAD IT IMMEDIATELY.
I think this is going to be an incredibly underwhelming post. During Ramadan (Ramazan in Turkish), I'll be writing more in this.
So, uh... yeeeeeeeeeah.
Istanbul is amazing as always. I'm still waiting to be legal here. Meh. The new owner of my school fuckin' sucks. Pay has been late and I'm still waiting to be legal. I can't leave until I'm legal, and I want to visit my friend Manal in Lebanon while she is there. DID I MENTION SHE'S FINALLY SINGLE. I mean... granted she was going to get married and move to Brazil. I don't know if she dodged a bullet or didn't dodge a bullet... I don't know what the opposite of dodging a figurative bullet is. Maybe, she got figuratively shot by a bullet. Moral of the story is don't play with figurative guns.
Hopefully, she doesn't ask too much about that last paragraph... I probably shouldn't write this part... Why am I still writing? Oh god, I can't stop. Uh-uh-uh-I-uh-I-um... I sharted myself yesterday. God, that wasn't the best transition. I just had to switch topics. I think this has just gotten worse. Sadly, the shart was true. I must've eaten some bad kebap. It was not a fun day. Why am I sharing this? NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS.
Yeah, I know. It's been some time since updating this thing. I've been busy. Currently, I'm working 7 days a week. I'm doing my roommate (we'll call her Dr. Sanchez) a solid. Dr. Sanchez has a new job, and works 7 days a week, too, but to alleviate the burden, I decided to take her evening classes on Thursday and Friday. My sanity is slowly slipping, which is good for all of you because my ridiculous imagination kicks into 5th gear (6th gear, depending on the vehicle) when I am exhausted. WEEEEEE!
So, you know how I said that the first girl, Dilek, was out of my life... well... NOPE!
She messages me out of the blue. FUCKIN' TYPICAL! I met with her last Friday for lunch. Then, the other girl I was seeing didn't work out. That's okay. It's a good kind of "didn't work out." So now, I have some prospects along with Dilek, the Turkish She-Devil. Moving on...
So, I know a lot of you in the States are freaking out about Donald Trump and his insane antics. I'mma get to that. Now, I started thinking... What if he is right? Well, I mean... what if he is right about the wall along the border? Hear me out...
Now, what is Mexico's biggest export? Cheap labor? Agricultural goods? Tacos? GOD! PLEASE TELL ME IT'S TACOS!
No.
It's...
Chupacabras.
That's right. Chupacabras.
"What exactly is a chupacabra" you may be asking. Shut up. I'll tell you.
Based on my amateur research, a quick peruse of the Wikipedia page, a tendency to jump to conclusions, and somethings I flat-out made up, I will explain what these foul demons are and why Donald Trump is our savior.
That above is a chupacabra. They stand at about 3 feet (1 meter... or yard... you know, I don't know metric... 1 metric yard). Normally, they feast on the blood of goats, but lately, they've had a taste for a different sort of blood. That's right... people. Think I'm making that up? GUESS AGAIN!
Cute-a-cabra
According to the Mexican Daily Siesta Gazette, a highly-respected and in-no-way-fake newspaper, thousands of Mexicans have been attacked and killed by these monsters.
So what? Dead Mexicans.
NOT SO WHAT!
Every Mexican killed turns into another CHUPACABRA (and I am in no way mixing chupacabras with zombies). Soon, they will be an army. A CHUPACABRARMY (don't try to say that word aloud... I wrote it and even I am not entirely sure how to pronounce it).
So why isn't this in the mainstream media? BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALREADY INFILTRATED OUR MEDIA CORPORATIONS! OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE! I'M WRITING IN ALL-CAPS ON THE INTERNET! IT MUST BE TRUE!
Only our glorious savior, Donald Trump, can save us from the Chupanati (or the Chupacabra Illuminati).
Now, I know what you're thinking. How will a wall stop the Chupa-invasion?
Duh! Chupacabras can only be stopped by walls. How do you not know that? Everyone knows that. Shame... shame on you.
So, why should Mexico pay for the wall? I know... I know... you short-sighted bastard... I know you are asking this. Again, you disappoint me.
Chupacabras are financially irresponsible and also have a hoard of gold. When pressed, they cannot say no to any requests for money. Mr. Trump knows this.
Okay... Okay... I can't remember the last time I updated this. I should be ashamed of myself. I really should... buuuuuuuuuut... yeah, I am. I was going to try and play it cool like I wasn't phased... fazed?... phased... I teach English, fuck you.
Anyway, I sprained my ankle walking home at night. AFTER I KISSED A GIRL! WOOOoooooOOOOOoooo... I don't think she saw me fall after she got in her car. Hopefully, she callously drove away. I CAN ONLY HOPE SHE'S THAT CALLOUS.
So, a lot has happened since last I wrote... or at least I think. I know I've had a series of funny thoughts. I can't remember any of them now. I'm sorry. That was kinda a tease...
DISTRACTION!
Well, that was fun while it lasted. Oh! So, important notice. This is a different girl than the girl from earlier posts. That other girl is dead to me... until a booty call. Let's get serious... I may have the willpower not to grovel, but if prompted, I would gladly drop my pants and drill my wiener into her vagina as if I were in a post-apocalyptic world and there was oil in there.By the way, YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE VISUAL.
So, I need code-names for these women... so, the original chick will be designated as Chick Unfortunately Not Tapping... or CUNT for show... what's sad is that I took a minute to think that up and it's such a poor joke that I refuse to use. I am ashamed. Utterly ashamed. Let's call her... uhhhhhh... Dilek. Fuck it, I'm just using her name. From here on forward, all ex's or past attempted conquests (I know... that's misogynistic, but I cannot for the life of me think of better wording. Maybe... failed-attempts-to-consentually-fornicate-with.... nope... too wordy...) will be referenced by their first name. Sure, some of you have never heard of this name... it's okay. You don't live in Turkey. IT'S SUPER COMMON. So, Dilek is outta the picture.
Good news... there are some other candidates. Now, I'm not a player. First, I barely have game when speaking English, let alone Turkish. Second, I might be being INCREDIBLY optimistic to the point of delusion (Not even the glass is half-full... more like "that glass totally wants the D.") Third, I usually work one at a time or seriously pursue one at a time. I think this is what they call normal dating. Maybe.... I've heard of this concept from third-hand renditions of the premise of Sex and the City. I'm totally a Miranda... I have no idea what that means. Is there a Jessica? Michelle? Chloe? I don't know. I only know there's a Miranda... I digress.
So, let me tell you a school (yeah, Daddy-O... I'm so lonely). If you want to talk to ladies in foreign countries and you are reading this, offer to teach them English in exchange for learning their language. It helps learning English and being around beautiful foreign women. It's okay if you look like gay hobbit... you have something that all the good-looking local men don't have. An American/ Canadian/ British/ Australian/ New Zealand-er... New Zealandian... New Zealandi... Kiwi Passport. YAY! Just keep playing the fact that you are looking for a wife. Never mention that you're poor. NEVER.
Anyway... I'm sleepy. I did this. Done. Finished. Blaaaaaaaaam-O.
Alright, so I'm writing this because I know if I don't, I will have a mutiny on my hands. No one likes a mutiny. No one.
So, I have two things on my plate... the election and the Atlanta Heroin Epidemic. Let's tackle the more positive of the two issues: the Heroin epidemic.
Now, I've lost a good number of friends to this latest epidemic. I feel for the families and friends who've seen this first hand. I'm not going to come at this from a personal perspective. It sucks, and that's all there is to it. At the same time it bothers me in a big way...
Here is Atlanta's Heroin Triangle
Where my family stays at is at the very cusp of the triangle near 285 and 85. There is a good reason why my family isn't in that triangle. Ready for the reason? It's because we poo' folks. Plain and simple. Now, there have been heroin epidemics in the past, as well as cocaine and other epidemics, but this one is special. The casualties have almost exclusively been middle-to-upper class young white adults. Again, a loss is a loss is a loss.
Don't lose me just yet. I'll bring it back, and we'll all learn something. You gotta just sift through this.
When it was blacks and Latinos, it was business as usual. When our communities struggle with addiction and overdose, it's status quo. That's what I don't like.
I want to grieve with you. I want to be there during these tragedies, but there is this distance. I'm not sure it would get the publicity or sympathy if it were my people- if it were blacks and Latinos. There wouldn't be feeling of bewilderment, the "how could this happen" feeling. It would be more of the "oh, man, that sucks, but you know how life is in the hood" response. I'm not saying life in the hood ain't like that. Nah, son, life in the hood is DEFINITELY like that, but why is it okay for their to be consistent tragedy in the hood and not take place where you stay at?
So I'm a little heated. I don't like making this political. I don't like making this into a statement, but it nags me. Don't tell me "we are all human beings" when bad shit happens on your side of town, and then tell me "well, that's just how things go" when it happens on mine. Treat our drug addicts with the same compassion you treat yours.
Look, I've noticed this for a while, and this goes to mostly my recovering Alcoholics Anonymous folks... There is more we can do for our young black brothers and sisters in Atlanta. I know a lot of you folks wanna get into the recovery business, and that's cool, but let's work something out with the court systems of Atlanta. Let's work something out with the probation officers. Let's just work something out. I've been in the rooms for a while (more than 12 years), and my biggest regret is not reaching out more to my people. I stayed comfortable. I helped white kid after white kid get sober, and there isn't anything wrong with that, but I know in my heart that I could've reached out to my brothers. If anyone in Atlanta needs the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, it's the black youth and it's gotta be us who bring it to them. Trust me, I wrote my senior history thesis on the history of Georgia AA in the Jim Crow South. We can't just say "we'll help them when they show up." Nah, the system isn't set up like that. White kids go to rehab, black kids go to jail. I'm sorry, but that's how it goes.
That is one of the few things I admired about Complete Abandon. They didn't discriminate. So when people started talking shit about them, I'm like... yeah, true... but they're helping my people and you're not. Just saying.
Story of my life
Alright, now for the election... I just can't... I don't have it in me... WAIT! I don't have to! I forgot one important thing!
HEROIN!
I did not mean to leave the bold face on... ummm... hopefully I don't get flagged or anything.
So, heroin. Funny how it's made such a massive comeback in recent years. It's cheaper than ever, more accessible than ever, and quite possibly purer than ever. This is why it's such a problem, is it not? Well, there is some speculation that our little shitbag buddies in the Middle East (it rhymes with SmIsis) have been getting large amount of money from... you guessed it... HEROIN! YAAAAAY!
So, the terrorists are winning? No... stop being stupid... I mean, yes they are... but not in the way you are thinking... UGH... WHATEVER!
As I've stated before, Da'ush (ISIS) is merely a group of street thugs with beards that follow instructions from Washington. However, with something like that, you gotta keep operations off "official books." What's a great way to keep shit off the books? SELLING DRUGS! YAY! And guess what? We did the exact same thing during Vietnam in Laos! It's not even an original idea. Go figure, it also is the perfect time to do so because of such political unrest, especially amongst millennials. By the way... who is the hardest hit demographic in this recent heroin epidemic? Millennials? Weird, right? Back in the 60s and 70s with Laotian heroin, the hardest hit demographic was inner-city blacks in NYC, Chicago, LA, etc. You know, areas where there was a lot of activity from the Black Panthers, NOI, and other pro-black resistance movements. Thank God that nothing like that happened during the 80s with the resurgence of pro-black resistance... oh wait... CRACK! But, where did we get the cocoa- ... oh yeah, Reagan's War of Drugs...
You see a pattern yet?
Drugs never left, but when their is domestic turmoil and Keeping Up With the Kardashians isn't keeping everyone in line, just pump up the supply of hard drugs (making them accessible and cheap in the areas you want them to be). It's like Flavor of Love that you inject!
To think that this was one of the faces of Public Enemy...
After much pressure and harassment, I'm back. Apparently, people like reading this. So, this goes out to the people who like my ramblings.
So, today, I'm going to discuss feminism. Now, here are a few things I'd like to say before I start on my... critique?... analysis?... talking-out-my-ass? One of those.
First and foremost, I am a feminist. I believe women are equal to men. Plain and simple. Also, I believe that the system in most countries favors men over women. I don't like that shit. I don't like that shit at all. I believe women should be able to do whatever they like, and there shouldn't be any double standards. Now, I am NOT saying women are men. I am not saying that at all. I don't have sexual relations with men; not that there is anything wrong with sexual relations with men, but men kinda kill my boner.
Now that that's all out of the way, let's go piece by piece, subject by subject, something by something else. Feminism is not one giant unchanging concept. Weird, right? It has a lot of manifestations. My biggest problem is with Western Feminism. This is the sort that is the sort that is championed by middle to upper class white women. You see a lot of this kind of feminism on Tumblr. We also call it Tumblr Feminism. Anyway, moving on.
So, where to start... where to start. Well, let's start with clothes. Simple, right?
Behold the results for "Hipster Girl Outfit"
Now, I don't support cat-calling. Actually, I'm sort of conflicted on this one. There's the joking cat-calling old men do that is really just innocent fun because they have lost all sense of shame because they are so old. Old Puerto Rican guys do this, and it's sort of an ongoing joke through the generations. It's like an old woman flirting with a young man. Sure, it's a bit uncomfortable, but as long as it's playful, there's no harm. The cat-calling I don't like is the aggressive kind. You know, the kind that leads to a guy following a girl a couple of blocks. What does this have to do with clothes? Not a lot, I just kinda got ahead of myself. Back to clothes... TOO LATE TO EDIT!
So, the picture above. If a woman wears that and she gets attention from men/ aggressive lesbians, I understand why. This was the uniform in Brooklyn. EVERY FUCKIN' GIRL WORE THIS. Now, I'm not saying she deserves any sexual attention. Her intentions may not be to draw that sort of attention to her, but here's the deal... We live in THIS world, not some alternate utopian reality. We all have to operate in our environments. If I were to show a little cock cleavage... That's where you sag your pants while not wearing underwear and show a little dick neck, I would most likely be a) arrested b) not allowed within 1000 ft of a school and c) hit on by gay men. Let's focus on result c. I may want to wear my dick cleavage pants, but the reality of it is that I live in a world where dick cleavage gets gay male attention.
That isn't my biggest problem with the Hipstress's outfit. During what time of year would anyone wear that. A long, plaid shirt and super-short, high-wasted, jean shorts? With boots... WITH FUCKIN' BOOTS! It isn't for summer in any place I know of. You'd be sweating your ass off. It isn't winter because you'd be freezing your ass off. WHEN WOULD YOU WEAR SUCH AN ABSURD OUTFIT?!
Then, there is the issue of practicality. Those shorts don't cover shit, almost literally. If that girl bends over to pick up something, you'd be able to see her asshole. HER LITERAL ASSHOLE. Then, these things are high-waisted. Bending over would be horrible. Your guts would be smushed. Jeans are not known for their flexibility nor are they known for being breathable. Swamp ass, anyone? Everywhere you sit will be a slug trail of sweat. It can't protect your skin from any surface you plop your ass on. I sure hope that car she's sitting on is room temperature because if it isn't... well, you know. So, why would anyone wear these? WHO WOULD MAKE SUCH REVEALING AND IMPRACTICAL CLOTHING?
Men. Men would.
Does that sting?
I get it, you want to wear what you want to wear, but everything you want to wear is what's "in fashion." Do you want to know what's more practical than super-short, high-wasted, unbreathable jean shorts? A mid-to-long flowing skirt made of linen or cotton. Plus, it doesn't overtly sexualize the wearer. It allows a breeze, it's practical, it covers what needs to be covered, it's easy to maneuver in, and it protects your skin from the elements.
You know... skirts like these.
Let's move onto cleavage. Yes, yes... boobs. Sweet amazing beeeeeeeewbs. Why do you need to have them out? Again, is it practical to wear something that hoists up those bad boys and have them on display. Do you wanna know who has traditionally designed clothes that accentuate the breasts? Men. Are you seeing a pattern? Every part of fashion that really sexualizes women has been created by men.
Push-up bra? Men
Mini-skirt? Men
High-heels? Men
Bikini? Men
So, explain to me how being a slave to fashion empowers women? How does choosing fashion over practicality empower anyone but the patriarchy?
It's different here in Turkey. Women aren't shy about their intentions for fashion choices. It's because it's in style right now, or they think men like it. You may scoff at their "simpleness," but American and other Western women are just better at lying to themselves when they follow fashion trends. Often, the response I've gotten is that they want to wear what they want to wear; it isn't to attract men. Fair enough. But why is it that you want to wear THAT? "I think it's cute" is shallow and irrelevant answer. How are you supposed to empower yourself if you refuse to be self-critical. Essentially, you stole the cause of feminism and turned it into "I WANNA DO WHAT I WANNA DO!" It's like a teenage girl who gets upset because her father won't let her leave the house wearing whatever all the cool kids are wearing. As much as men sexualize and objectify women, lots of women's clothes are designed to sexualize the wearer.
Look, men do it too. I recently bought a new outfit. The only reason is because I am interested in the opposite sex. Is it practical? Meh. Is it comfortable? Not really, but the jeans are lovely I must say. Never thought I'd say that, but the jeans are comfy. Anyway, as much as I'd love to wait for a girl who looks past my disheveled appearance and sees me for the bright sparkling ball of bat shit hilarious insanity that I am, I can't. The world doesn't work that way. The only girls that are willing to do that are usually ones with low standards and issues because, sorry guys, people go off of observation and appearance. I can fight this system of reality, but I'll end up empty-handed every time and that isn't what I want.
Plus, the jeans were mad fuckin' cheap.
I'm not going to start on make-up. If you want to wear make-up, fuckin wear make-up.
You go girl... you go
Now, onto sex. This irritates me. I admit, I make inappropriate jokes from time to time... those times are usually separated by mere milliseconds. But here's the thing. There are unwanted sexual advances and jokes. One should be met with disgust and the other should be taken in stride. Now, I'm not saying all sex jokes are permissible. If I don't know someone, I won't make them. I'm not perfect at this though. I can only say that mine are never done maliciously. Anyway, what I don't understand is this hostility toward all sex jokes. Sometimes, I just sit there in awe and wonder "does this person not know what sex is?" I mean, we all have it. There isn't anything inherently shameful about it. We all look at people we don't know, and occasionally think, "I totally want to have sex with them." It's part of being human. If I jokingly say, "Oh my god, I would love it if that chick over there sat on my face" or "Yeah, I'd lick her butt," understand that I would never in a million years say that to her. I'm just trying to entertain you with my vulgar and absurd antics. Hell, I don't actually want her to sit on my face, only after taking a decent shower to wash off a day's worth of crotch sweat and shit stains. Yeah, women sweat and shit. Acknowledging that aloud isn't disgusting; what's disgusting about humanizing someone else? You'd rather I think that women are these pristine objects that stay in their original packaging until I cast it aside as I mount them? What are you, a child? Are you suggesting that I shouldn't want to have sex with people I don't know? Isn't that a little ridiculous? Are you advocating incest or celibacy? Why do you hate sex?
This is my biggest problem with this brand of feminism. Why is there so much contradiction when it comes to sex?! FUCKING PICK A GODDAMN SIDE AND STICK WITH IT! Have a coherent argument! ANYTHING! They want to have sex when they want to have sex (which is fine, you do you boo), but refuse to stand alongside their sisters who work in the sex industry. You wanna know which industry needs feminism the most? The sex industry. Call girls, escorts, cam girls, porn actresses, strippers, etc. Women that men are not above using their services, but God forbid they want to be treated as human beings. There is this consistent making them the victim among these sorts of feminists. "Who would debase themselves to work in the sex industry? They must have issues." Maybe, they like sex... you know... like all of us. Why should it be a shameful thing? Why do you assume that they are somehow damaged? When was the last time you did a massive study on sex workers and came to the conclusion that they have daddy issues? Oh, you didn't? Well, maybe you should take a hearty sip from a glass of "Shut the Fuck Up."
Men inherently sexualize women. I'm sorry, but it's in our biology. Don't believe me?
Now, I don't like that fact about me (as a man), but the only way I can combat that is being aware of what my brain naturally does. Women who decide to embrace and profit from men's constant sexualizing are not inherently broken or subservient to men. There is money to be had, and they are adhering to that demand... Woo, economics! Computers are a big thing right now: if I pursue a career in IT, does that mean I subservient to computers or are there any judgements on my character? No, because that would be stupid. Most of the women in the sex industry are just normal women... the others are reptilian Illuminati shapeshifters. Why has this brand of feminism neglected this issue? Instead, they want to talk about how empowering Nikki Minaj and Miley Cyrus and Iggy Azaela are. First, no... no, they are not. They are manufactured pop icons that support the status quo. It's not even original anymore. We've already done all this shit! It isn't edgy. It isn't empowering. It's just the same manufactured shit. Nikki Minaj is just a millenial Lil' Kim with much less talent. Lil' Kim and others before her proved that women were more than just sexualized objects in hip-hop, that they too could sexualize and be in power. That's from back in the day though when it was gangsta rap, and that perspective was needed. Now, rap is little more than a multitude of scenarios in a club. How is this a perspective that rap needs? What about intelligent, conscious, female hip-hop? Especially given all the issues revolving around the black community. Minstrel shit isn't speaking to that. Where's a female Kendrick Lamar?
Just putting these three random picture here... nothing to see here
People really got to stop trying to make something outta "pop fodder." You really think the powers-that-be are going to put out an empowering, female voice? No. No, they are not. They want you to keep buying shit. Now, my critique of feminism is only limited to modern Western feminism. My womanists, keep strong. My third-world feminists, keep strong. My true feminists, keep strong. If any of this shit offended you, it's cool. You can't question your position if you're comfortable. PEACE!
Yeah, so I didn't go to Bulgaria. Long story. Well... I mean, not really... my branch (of the school I work for... not a literal branch from a tree) was bought, and so the new owner will handle my residence stuff. I'm not worried...
"You've just won a trip to America!"
Hopefully, you guys are smart enough to figure out what I'm hinting at about my current circumstances. Again, I'm not stressed. I just don't want to put it in writing... on the internet... for the world.
So, in order for me to get my ADHD medicine here, I gotta go see a psychologist. At first, I thought it was just a very talkative psychiatrist... then, I realized I was in a therapy session. That's always awkward. And here I was thinking my psychiatrist had the hots for me... Kinda makes the whole "whipping out my penis" thing a little inappropriate. Lucky for me, I haven't learned the word for "sorry" in Turkish, and I never will. LON DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR SHIT!
I'm happy this exists
Anyway, so she (the psychologist) asks me how it would feel if I had to go back to the US. Immediately, I knew how it would feel. It would feel as if I were going back to prison. My students don't understand it. They know America from the movies. I tell them that even I ask myself when watching those films "Holy shit! Where is that?" They don't understand why I don't want to go back. Shit, why would I? If moving back is like going back to prison, why the fuck would I want to visit prison after living there. Even in prison, you have friends and family, but it doesn't mean you want to go there. I will just wait for them to get out if they ever do.
Some of you may not understand how the US is like prison. Why isn't it the greatest country to grace the face of the earth? No. No, it is not. Not now. Not then. Not ever. NEVER. I can't stress that enough. My students are baffled by some of the stuff I tell them. They are appalled by our healthcare system. Even with Obamacare. Matter of fact, I don't even live in the country, and I have to purchase health insurance or pay a $600-something fine. For me, even the cheapest option is more than $600 a year. Furthermore, that cheap option doesn't really cover anything. I pay for health insurance just so I don't get a $600 fine. Sorry, but fuck that.
You see, here, you can buy health insurance and go to a nice hospital, but there is also other options. Government hospitals are cheap and accessible. Oh, and using the ambulance is also very cheap, if not free. My students look at me horrified when I tell them about friends of mine who had a heart attack and drove themselves to the hospital because they couldn't afford the ambulance bill. Or my other friend who broke his wrist playing high school football and had to "fix it" himself because his family was too broke for a hospital. Their logical question is whether or not these individuals American citizens, as if this would make it excusable. Of course they are citizens, but it's America. Shit costs money.
Then, there's the trash. Here, the city picks it up. You pay taxes, so the city picks it up. Easy, right? In America (at least where I was), you gotta pay a company to pick it up. Then, why the fuck do I pay taxes to my city? What the fuck are they doing with the money?
Oh... a new stadium... how could I forget
Then, comes the cost of education. Fuck, just the cost of existing. What's the American Dream? Go to college, get a car, buy a house, and raise a family. Funny how all those things will land your ass in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. You will work and work until you die, and hopefully, you will never lose your job. Sure, the bank won't take your shit at first, but interest is still a bitch. I never want to be in debt ever again. Right now, I've got $40,000 or so. That shit is building interest. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to pay it, but I ain't going to be living in America as I do. Everything is stacked against you. With a few exceptions, public transportation is a joke (so you need a car). Most places in America are more pro-business than pro-worker, so good luck with the whole work thing. As stated before, the government doesn't provide citizens with shit. Oh, I mean, there's welfare... but all welfare does is allow you to survive, and you are constantly shamed by your fellow citizens for being on it. Nope, I'll stay abroad.
My question is what's next for all of you? The rat race is nice and all, but then what? Shit isn't getting any better. Sure, we got Sanders in the race, but that doesn't change Congress. My advice: jump ship before it sinks, and work like hell to get your loved ones out.
On a more positive note, I downloaded Bioshock on my computer. Awesome! YAY!
I know the title says that I'm changing things up... I lied. I've changed NOTHING!
So, what will I write about? Should I write about politics? World affairs? My feelings? I HAVE NO FEELINGS!
Happiness tastes like sand in my mouth
Anyway, I have to leave the country. I mean, for like 5 minutes just to renew my visa. But, I get a free trip to Bulgaria! Woooooooo! Wait, do they have gulags in Bulgaria? Am I being racist? ARE BULGARIANS A RACE OF PEOPLE?!
Only mild excitement is allowed in Bulgaria
I get to see a lot more of Turkey... I mean, the European side... along the highway... but that's more than just Istanbul. Hopefully, I don't get stuck in Bulgaria. I barely speak Turkish, and I speak no Bulgarian. None. I don't know how to say hello or thank you. I can only speak English in a corny Russian accent. I'm sure if I just refer to everyone as comrade, I'll get along just fine. Let me do some research...
Researching is much like contemplating eating my keyboard
Alright, so according to my research, if you encounter a Bulgarian in the forest, you need to put your arms up and pretend to be bigger. Also, if that fails, play dead or run down hill. Bulgarians are afraid of dead bodies and hills.
So, wish me luck. This is a brief one, but at least it's something.
I'll end with this... sometimes, I secretly hope a seagull (there are a lot where I live) bursts into my bathroom while I'm pooping and attacks me just so I could have an interesting story.
What's sad is that I'm not making that up... yep...
Alright, I could've sworn I wrote one of these last week... but alas, I am wrong. For shame.
So, this week, I went to another city in Turkey because the wait to get a residence permit in Istanbul is too long, so I "live" in this other city on paper.
I don't ask questions... Especially when I have to wake up at 6:45 in the morning to get to Yalova (the other city).
So, I'm pretty sure I have strep throat. It isn't that bad though. Remember the whole healthcare system here... Yeah. MAGIC! The visit and the medicine cost me about 65 Lira... or about $23. TWENTY-THREE DOLLARS! I don't even have insurance. CAN YOU COMPREHEND THAT!? My complete medical treatment is the same price as a sad handjob from a fat, one-eyed hooker.
I will refrain from providing a picture...
Instead, here is what I got when I googled "gay unicorn"
I gotta make this quick because I have plans shortly. I know you're thinking "Well, why don't you just save your entry and finish it after your plans."
Look, I'm going to level with you... That is pretty logical, but we both know that if I do that, I won't publish this until a week later.
Possibly the laziest google search ever... I have failed you
So, allow me to make one empty promise. I will update this next week. This should be enough. The gay unicorn should keep you occupied/entertained/scarred-for-life for the rest of the week.
I know... I know... shame on me... sorry, I was going to try to segue to a hari-kiri reference about shame, but I really can't be bothered. So, I'll just end this with a gif of a Japanese guy hari-kiri'ing himself... I'm not sure that's a word, but... meh... whatever.
Last I wrote, I was explaining the situation on the ground in Iraq and Syria... I'm going to continue that, but first, an update.
First, people said David Bowie died today. This is not true. David Bowie cannot die. David Bowie transcends space and time, sans Tartis
Fuck you, blue box.
No, David Bowie simply got bored of this realm of reality and left for adventures in other dimensions.
WARNING: Cannot be contained to one realm of being
We mere mortals must cope with the fact that the being known as David Bowie has left our mundane existence. We shall never forget Bowie. Thank you for blessing us with your presence in our dimension.
Bowie
Back to the conflict in Syria and Iraq...
I shouldn't have to tell you this, but some of my readership is American (if not all of my readership), and this may not be very obvious to them. War is really fucked up. No one leaves war as a fully functional human being. This is something most Americans and Westerners can't understand. For them, war is voluntary. The worst they have is crime and the impending fear of terrorism. Oh, you're afraid of one bomb... funny, because you have no problem dropping them on other people and supporting groups that do the same. Weird. We haven't witnessed the utter carnage that comes with war. The devastation. The shattered hopes and dreams. In the West, unwise decisions and unfortunate circumstance prevent our goals... Little Jimmy wanted to play football for Auburn, but he hurt his knee, and that scholarship evaporated as soon as that happened. Auburn is still there. He still has other options. No one completely destroyed his home, the country's infrastructure, or most universities. The closest thing that America has to a war zone is the hood, and most people avoid helping it get better. Gentrification is waaaaaaay easier, right?
Behold! Hipster, Herald of Gentrification. Fear him for the end is near!
I really hate hipsters. I mean... I REALLY HATE HIPSTERS. Not because they dress stupid. Not because they are pretentious. It is simply because they are the vanguard of gentrification. They don't open businesses in the hood; they only live there. In fact, they usually take jobs from the people in the hood. Usually, hipsters are white. Not only are they white, but they come from upper- or middle-class backgrounds. They move into urban neighborhoods because, hey, that shit is way edgy. They don't really want the danger; they want to urban feel. Rent is cheap, too! Great shit, right? It's not like they're paying for it anyway. Mommy and daddy have that. Even if they pay for it, it's cheap. If you don't know how real estate works, let me explain it. White people means that prices go up. Nothing gets better, but the residents are just lighter skinned. Thus, the area is perceived as marginally safer. Hipsters beget more hipsters. Prices go up. Now, the people who rented and lived in the area pre-Hipstergeddon have to spend more money. Businesses in the area begin to cater to the hipsters, and you better believe that the hipsters have the edge when it comes to employment at these businesses. It's gradual, but in the end, the hipsters graduate to yuppies because Mommy and Daddy won't foot the bill forever while the hipster tries life as a barista with a psychology degree. By this time, most of the original residents have moved out due to necessity. They are scattered to the wind, still poor, just now elsewhere. Fuck hipsters.
Back to what I was saying.
Iraq has been in a state of war since 2003. That's 13 years. That's 13 fucked-up years of bombing, shooting, attacks, casualties, desolation, and the like. I was in 8th grade when it started. I am 27 now. Let's not even touch on Afghanistan... that's a little too depressing. Libya too. Ugh...
Remember: people can be/ are manipulated along trivial lines such as denomination, sect, ethnic group, race, skin color, religion, etc. It totally bullshit despite any "history" that "proves" these distinctions. The purpose is always to distract in order to extract. It's always a scheme used by those that want to take what others have. "Divide and Rule."
So, that is what it is like in those countries, but it also galvanizes those abroad. Misled imams (many with ties to Saudi) focus on the few incidents of Shi'a-on-Sunni violence, and this stirs the community. Then, there may be a slight surge in Da'ish recruits, but it won't help. After they leave basic training (what do you think the CIA is doing in Syria? Who do you think they are training?), they are facing the most battle-hardened, experienced troops in the world (that's what you get when you are constantly at war). Da'ish is on the course for total annihilation.
Saudi knows this, so the execution of Sheikh Nimr serves as a political maneuver towards Iran. They want to preoccupy Iran with further conflict. Unlike the Gulf States, Iran will not bow in servitude to Western interests. Is Iran perfect? God no, but last I checked most countries in the West don't exactly have a sterling human rights record either, and keep in mind, these Western countries don't have sanctions on them nor do they have other governments actively engaged in overthrowing them (that leas to a lot of internal restrictions, believe it or not). As a country that has existed in its modern form since 1979, it is doing phenomenally well, despite continuous attempts of sabotage. In a perfect world, Iran would be 100% free, as would Syria, but it is a luxury they cannot afford due to consistent external meddling in internal affairs. This makes the political situations within these countries understandable. Democracy or not, the West will find a leader that will bow to its interests (ex: Guatemala, Iran, Chile, Congo, Ukraine, etc.).
Patrice Lumumba (Congo)
Jacobo Arbenz (Guatemala)
Salvador Allende (Chile)
Mohammed Mossadegh (Iran)
Viktor Yanukovych (Ukraine)
Since Iran's refusal to submit to Western interests in order for Iran to pursue its own prosperity is terrifying for the West (at least for its financial overlords). That's why it is so demonized in our media (coincidentally owned by corporate interests). *cough* Yellow *cough* Journalism *cough*. Sorry about that. There was propaganda stuck in my throat. "Oh no! Iran wants nuclear power! They might make bombs!" Really? Do we have nuclear bombs? Does Israel have nuclear bombs? India? Pakistan? Oh, go fucking figure, they do. And who has dropped atomic bombs (not one, but two) on civilian populations? Oh, America. So why should America dictate who can have nuclear energy? Especially when the nation is question is surrounded by countries with nuclear capabilities.
Why should America have nukes? It has proven that it would use them against civilians. Isn't that the test for whether or not should have them? America failed the test. It shouldn't have them. It's like letting a mass shooter have an AK-47 after he gets out of prison. Should anyone really have a nuclear arsenal? No. No one needs to have a nuclear arsenal. It is just fucking insane.
Iran isn't just refusing to cooperate with the financial overlords though. It is setting an example for the Third World. It is showing how a country can be independent from the West, especially countries with oil... countries like Saudi Arabia, Qatar, UAE, Kuwait, and Bahrain. The governments of these nations will always be loyal to the West, but the people... well, the Shah of Iran was loyal to the West too, and look what happened to him.
Anyway, that's enough outta me. For my brother and sisters in the struggle, don't give up.
