Lon's Guide to Becoming a Turk

So, you want to become a Turk... Good. It's a fairly easy process... sort of. Wait... are you American? Oh... then, it will be a difficult process filled with confusion, fear, self-doubt, and a nagging sense of being uncomfortable. Luckily for me, I'm more Puerto Rican (culturally speaking), so it wasn't too difficult for me. Anyway, this is the guide to become Turkish! YAY!

And this is a picture of the Iron Sheikh wrestling a gummy worm

 

Step 1) Language

 

Do you speak any language other than Turkish? Yes? STOP IT! Real Turks only speak Turkish... Unless you're from the southeast of Turkey... then, chances are that you speak Kurdish. If that is the case, STOP IT! Never mention Kurdish. Yes, it exists, but you shouldn't acknowledge it exists. Always mutter something about the PKK. Make sure you do that in Turkish. Is your family from the southeast? Guess what? They never spoke Kurdish. Never. Your grandparents never spoke Kurdish. Your neighbors never spoke Kurdish. What's Kurdish? Is that like a salad dressing? Do you put it on hotdogs? Now, you're getting the hang of it.

Turkish is a great language. Just remember that the "c" makes a hard "j" sound. Always. The name "Can" sounds exactly like the English name "John." You don't smoke cigarettes; you drink jigarets. Drink up, baby.

Also, there are two g's. One is normal. It's the "g" as in "golf." The other has a weird hat on it. "Ğ" is the "silent g." The jury is out on whether or not it is the "silent yet deadly g." You pronounce it like a French "r." How do you pronounce a French "r"? Ummm... I... um... Moving on.

Remember that English won't put the hat on the "g," so you have to guess if it is there in words. For example, it's in yogurt. Feel betrayed yet? We'll come back to yogurt later.

"I'm waiting for you."

 

Step 2) Turkish Pride

 

 

You see that flag right there? Sexy isn't it? You will learn to love this flag. You will put it everywhere. Oh, and remember the Ottoman Empire. You know, that empire that lasted over 500 years and was a cosmopolitan mix of a vast amount of cultures, peoples, and ethnicities? It's only Turkish now. Only the Turks can claim it as theirs despite any evidence to the contrary. Fuck you that's why!

Do you like wolves? Of course you do! You're Turkish! Don't listen to those assholes that say you evolved from monkeys! Also, I know you're Muslim (and we will get to that point later) and it says that God made you from clay, but that's wrong too. You were made from grey wolves. Keep in mind that you are not a werewolf nor do you ever transform into a wolf at any time. Regular bullets can still kill you. They don't have to be silver. Just a heads up.

Try to remember the many contributions that Turks have given the world in the forms of cuisine. Baklava, Turkish coffee, yogurt, kebab, YOGURT! Whenever a foreigner mentions Greeks, go into a rabid fury about how those Greek bastards have stolen all these Turkish innovations. They really are thieving bastards. Those Greek thieving bastards.

 

Oh! and tea.

 

 

You will drink roughly 10 in a day. The max amount of sugar per cup is two sugar cubes. Anything more and you're basically an Arab... and no one wants to be an Arab. Damn sugar-loving Arabs.

Also, did something happen outside of Turkey? Who the fuck cares! Tune it out. Only Turkey matters. There's famine in Africa? Is Africa in Turkey? Nope! Don't care. Even when it comes to the politics of neighbors and those politics directly affect Turkey, you don't care. The civil war in Syria? What's your point? It isn't Turkey. Do I look like one of those sugar-loving Arabs? I don't care about anything outside of Turkey.

 

Step 3) Islam

 

You're Muslim now! Surprise!

 

Right now, it is Ramazan (or Ramadan in English, but you're wrong; it's Ramazan). Are you fasting? Don't worry, you don't need to. Just pretend you are right before iftar (dinner after sundown). Just don't drink water (easy), smoke (little harder), or drink tea (FUCKIN' IMPOSSIBLE) for a couple of hours before sundown. Look solemn and concentrated as you pretend to have been fasting the whole day. Make all the arrangements to have iftar. If anything goes wrong with the plan, get upset because remember... you've been fasting for the last hour and a half.

But what if you are actually fasting? Good for you. Don't worry about prayer though. Yes, you should pray five times a day, but let's get serious. You're fasting. That should be enough for God. It's definitely enough for you. Maybe, God shouldn't be so demanding. God should be happy that you're fasting. God should be grateful that you've decided to follow the rules. He should be happy that you decided to stop drinking on Friday nights during Ramazan. Other nights don't count because God is sleeping those nights. Shhhh! Don't wake him up.

Now, you're Muslim, and there's a thing about not having sex before marriage. Sure, there's butt sex. That doesn't count as sex because it's in the butt. That's why the butt is there... unless I'm missing something. However, maybe you just want regular ol' sex. It's okay... you can tell Lon. If you're a girl, this is easy. Step one is to find a guy. Rinse and repeat.

If you're a guy, finding a girl might be a little more difficult. Don't be thrown off by the girls with hijab. They get down too. You must never say it directly though. NEVER. You can hint at it. NEVER ASK A GIRL IF SHE IS A VIRGIN! YOU WILL GET SLAPPED! You can figure it out other ways. Ask if she is traditional or not. Traditional means she is waiting for marriage so you can only do butt stuff. Not traditional means she is good to go. 

 

Lucky for you, Turkish women are gorgeous. Remember that.

Now for my Shi'a friends... you may not be disturbed by this. All you gotta do is find a Shi'a girl and have a nikah mut'ah. NOPE! No one does that here. Not a single girl will agree to that. Even if they aren't traditional, they will never agree to mut'ah. Go ahead... explain how it is halal. See how far that gets you (answer: nowhere). 

Also, the term Shi'a (Shii in Turkish). You have to be more specific. There are a few types of Shii here. The most popular is Alevi. They are groovy people, but they aren't what you're used to if you're an Arab Shi'i. Then, there are the Bektashi. They are from Trakya (Thrace). They are also groovy, but again... not what you're used to. The one you're looking for is Jaferi... but wait... they are also known as Azeri... like people from Azerbaijan. It's a little confusing because Turks know Shii, but not necessarily Jaferi. You have to say you are Azeri even though you aren't from Azerbaijan. It's complicated, man... that's why I'm writing this down. 

Final Thoughts

 

Now, this is by no means a complete guide. I'm writing this at 12 o' clock at night... I want to go to sleep. I have work in the morning. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! Anyway, this should be a good start on your journey to... BECOMING TURKISH!

I'm in a constant state of disappointing myself.