Lon's Guide to Dating: Part 1

Well, it's Monday again, and you know what that means... another update for my blog.

You're Welcome

So, you're in luck because I am here to impart my knowledge onto you, dear reader. Y'see, I've been in a relationship for quite some time now, and I know many of you reading this are either in loveless relationships that only make the light within dim by the day or so insanely single that even your mother has given up loving you because there is absolutely no chance you will bear her grandchildren. Admit it... you know I'm right. Either way you need my wise sage-like counsel. Council? Counsel?... whichever means advice... advise?... advice?... whichever one means something I tell you to get your life together.... Words... I teach English.

Now, this post will be divided into two parts. One for the men... and one for the LAAAAAAAAAAADIES! Y'know what I'm saying? WHAT WHAT! You go Karen! WORK IT! YOU GO GIRL! WOOO- Oh Christ, she fell down.... someone check on Karen to make sure she's okay... um... where was I?

Moving on...

So without any further ado... ahem... I present...

LON'S GUIDE TO DATING

FOR THE MEN

So, you've come to Papa Lon for the answers. I get it. We all feel lost. Let Papa put your mind at ease. 

First... stop calling me Papa... That makes me uncomfortable. Okay? At first it was cute and kinda with our theme here, but now it's bordering creepy and I'm beginning to suspect your father didn't give you enough attention as a kid. This is why you'll forever be unlovable. 

Now, many of you don't know where to find women. And if you do, there are probably related to you. Rule #1: YOU CANNOT DATE YOUR MOTHER. Your dad already put that work in. You can't ride his coat tails forever. You gotta go stake out your own woman. 

You're probably saying something right now like "HOW?" and "IT'S TOO HARD!" and "I don't think this applies to me because I'm sexually attracted to men." Well, shut the fuck up to the first two and "that's a valid point, but I can't help you" to the last. 

Step One: Find a Woman

She can be walking on the street or sitting alone in a cafe. She could be having drinks with co-workers at the local bar. Hell, she could be your yoga instructor who has yet to call me back after our first date 5 years ago... YOU BROKE MY HEART, MELANIE! 

The point is you need to approach them... preferably from behind. Women enjoy being startled by men they've never met. It's also a wonderful ice breaker.

But what should you say? Women like compliments. Tell her she smells good... then correct yourself and say she smells well. She'll be impressed by your knowledge of grammar. 

Maybe you could try to impress her. Walk up and tell her how many push-ups you can do. Obviously, you should "flex your guns" after saying this, but DON'T FORGET TO KISS EACH BICEP. I can't tell you how many guys have flubbed this by forgetting to do just that.

Another thing you can do is point out a good physical trait you have. Say something like "Did you notice my neck beard?" Then go into a in-depth explanation of how you properly groom and maintain said neck beard. Trust me, women know how to appreciate a good neck beard. It is literally an aphrodisiac. 

If all else fails, just stare at her boobs and tell her they remind you of your mother's. Women like a man who has an close relationship with his mother. It shows good character.

Even I'm getting wet over this picture.

 You've just finished your opening comments. Introduce yourself. State your first and last name. Your age. Your position. Your star sign (Capricorn, WHAT WHAT!). Whether you're fertile or not. And your pronunciation of the word GIF. (side note: if you pronounce it with the g in giraffe, then you should stop reading this immediately and jump into oncoming traffic. You are literally worse than Hitler.)

After introducing yourself, you now need to get some information. Ask her what her name is, how old she is, what is her job, what is her blood type, how many kidneys does she have, and what is her phone number. Oh and...

Correct answer is your name and your position.

Now, she may insist she has a boyfriend already. Explain that you're sorry for her being trapped in a soul-crushing relationship. Proceed to challenge her boyfriend in combat for her hand. If she refuses, she is clearly lying about her boyfriend. He doesn't exist. Leave immediately. You want a partner, not some two-timing lying hussy.

If she accepts, further explain that you had to register your hands as lethal weapons. Tell her you studied Krav Maga, the Israeli martial art designed for killing unarmed Palestinians. If she still doesn't back down, yield. No woman is worth getting your ass handed to you in front of said woman. Unsheathe your wakizashi and commit seppuku where you stand. She may have called your bluff, but you remain with your honor in tact.

Sayonara Neck Beard-san

Now, hopefully you don't get disemboweled by your own hand. You have gotten her number. Congratulations... we aren't over yet.

Step Two: First Date

You should text or call her... text actually... calling is weird now and there's no going back. Anyway, text her the next day. Try to meet up for coffee. Coffee is always a nice first date... or a restaurant... food... food needs to be involved. If you're really broke, just go to a park and walk with her, but if you do, don't you dare fuckin' sweat. SWEAT IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS! If you end up sweating, just say it's dew or she is imagining things. Tell her your pores are crying because they watched a really sad movie. Never admit that it's sweat.

Regardless of where you go, you need to dress appropriately and be prepared. Don't shower or use deodorant for a couple of days before hand. Your natural musk will make her loins froth uncontrollably. This is one of the reasons why homeless guys get so much poontang. That's a fact. Also, wear a fedora. Nothing says classy like a fedora. Keep her guessing. Are you secretly a superhero? Are you an Italian mob member? Are you a investigative journalist/detective from 1930s New York stuck in our time because of a temporal rift in the time-space continuum? Women like a man of mystery. 

Wear a polo shirt two sizes too big. Is it a shirt? Is it a blouse?  Is it some sorta man-dress? Who the fuck knows! Mystery!

Wear jeans or shorts. BUT if you wear shorts, you need to wear those long socks that you usually roll up to your mid-shin... yeah, but this time scrunch them down. Set your own fashion trends. Chicks dig that shit.

So, now you're at a restaurant or cafe. I know I said some shit about a park, but you're on your own for that shit. DON'T SWEAT! Make sure that it's at night and it is dimly lit. Ambience is everything. Also, you're going to need a candle. Not a Roman one... like an actual candle. Why? SHADOW PUPPETS! THAT'S WHY!

I'm even sure what the fuck that is but it gets me fuckin' hot.

 

 

 Women love shadow puppets. Make sure she's seated though. Last thing you need is to have her so hot and ready-to-go down there that her knees buckle.

Really, that's it. Everything else is inconsequential. I'm totally not saying that because my back is starting to give out as I write this seated on my bed. I genuinely mean it. Shadow puppets will seal the deal 100% of the time. Only pull those bad boys out when you're serious about the girl. There's no need to go playing with the hearts of ladies.

Oh... and one more thing. Always address her as M'lady. Chivalry is NOT dead. It also doesn't hurt to speak in a more formal, Shakespearean English. "Dost thou catch'th mine drift, m'lady?" should be said at least once during your first date. Now you understand why you brought the fedora...

The reason it only shows above his shoulders is because he is literally swimming in pussy

So that's it for Part One. I trust you will go out into the world new men. 

I will be fasting for the next four weeks since Ramadan starts on Wednesday. Nothing will stop me from giving you what you want, my dear readers. Not even my fasting-induced madness.

Tune in next week for Part Two of our two-part series. This has been Lon, and remember: Always be the best you that you can- Oh Shit! Did someone check on Karen?.... Is she alright?... Of course, the readers will get this joke!... It's called a "call-back".... No, I don't think it will go over their heads... yeah... yeah... Look, if they don't get it then they can just scroll up... uh-huh... alright.... What do mean the readers won't understand that this is working like some kind of phone conversation where they can't hear the other party involved in this conversation.... uh-huh... yeah... No, I'm not "dragging this bit out."... yeah... okay... uh-huh...well yeah, now I am.... Well, tell Karen I hope she gets better... Alright... bye-bye... uh-huh... see you soon, bye-bye.

I honestly took five minutes trying to figure out how I was going to end that... I regret nothing.