Uh, I don't have much of an update... or maybe I do...

Okay, so has a lot happened since my last update? Yes.

Is all of it important? No. God no.

Will I list all the events? No. As much as I want to do that just to spite every single one of you (yes, I'm for hate-fucking my readers), I'm not going to do that. Is there a new love in my life? Maybe, honestly, I don't know. Yes, it is a she, as far as I can tell, but as most of my friends know, I am one of the few people who can ruin a "sure thing." How, you may ask? Take a moment and scroll down. Ah, yes... do you see the posts about toilet nymphs giving rim jobs and all my non-sequitur comments? Does that answer your question? I published that. That means I wrote it, looked at what I wrote, edited it, and said to myself "I want my name to be attached to that on the internet."

Plus, I am incredibly awkward when communicating with members of the opposite sex who I know are interested in me.

Awkward like this picture of a then-and-now picture of a brother and sister

 So, maybe I'm a little of a defeatist... if I'm wrong, it'll be a nice surprise. If I'm right, business as usual... I would be depressed about this mindset, but I can't stop checking out the sister in the picture above... It is so wrong... but she's so hot... 

Look, if you have a hot sister (and yes, someone somewhere thinks you're sister is hot), don't ever touch her naked boob. I mean, if it is a life-or-death situation, yes, go ahead and touch her bare boob. What do you mean what kind of situation would require that? Off the top of my head, let's say there's a mad scientist who has a super plasma cannon pointed at you, and he has a weird fetish for slight incest. Then, he demands you squeeze your hot sister's bare boob. I don't care who you are... I don't care what you say... You are gonna have some sister-titty in your palm. Accept it. Don't picture it's someone else. That would make it so much worse. Just never speak to her ever again. She's dead to you. Accept it and move on.

... MOVING ON...

I'm finally teaching a lot of classes. For those of you who want to teach English abroad, I can't stress this one thing enough... FUCKING DO LESSON PLANS! Trust me, winging it is not the way to go. 

The school I teach at has six levels, right. Beginner, Elementary, Pre-Intermediate, Intermediate, Upper-Intermediate, and Advanced. I have Pre, Intermediate, and Upper. The class blocks are 3 or 4 hours, so I teach for 45 minutes, there is a 15 minute break, and I do that either two or three more times. That's three lesson plans. Have you tried to bullshit for three or four hours? It's hard, if not impossible. For the love of God, don't do this. No, writing down a vague idea of what you're going to do won't cut it. "I know!" you say, "I'll go by the book!" Stop, just stop. The book is evil. It won't help you. It just let's you know what you need to cover. You're on your own. Have you tried keeping the attention of fifteen adults trying to learn English? It's hard. It's fucking hard...

So, what do you do? You make a goddamn lesson plan, motherfucker! What does that consist of? I'm glad you asked... or I'm glad you should have asked and by reading this I forced you to ask.

Lesson Planning!

1) Topic: what are you teaching? Grammar? Pretty vague, bro. Let's narrow that. Passive Voice? Alright, passive voice. The students are Upper-Intermediate (Level 5); they got this shit.

2) Introduction: Introduce this shit. What the fuck is passive voice? Got a definition, already? Good... get MORE! These people are learning English. You gotta be ready to explain it through examples. Do you have charts? GET SOME FUCKING CHARTS!

THIS IS REAL LIFE!

3) Exercise/ Activity: Time to engage those students with the knowledge you just dropped on them. Is it gonna be a group activity? Is it gonna be a partner activity? Are you just gonna stare at them and beat whoever has the audacity to speak first? That'll teach them passive voice. 

4) Break-time! Oh sweet God in heaven, it's time to step outside and have a smoke. The students will want to talk to you. If you're a guy, it'll be the guys. If you're a woman, it'll be the guys. Basically... get ready for swarm of dicks (literal dicks... not the slang term for an unpleasant person). If you're a guy and want to talk to the women, hold you're motherfucking horses!

Like so

Why? Because you don't want to be the creepy teacher, do you? Oh... you do? Oh... um... well, sure then. While you're at it, why don't you just pelvic thrust at your students to call on them instead of pointing. I'm sure if you do this right from the get-go, everyone might just assume you have a condition. 

5) BREAK IS OVER! GO BACK TO STEP 1!

Alright, don't despair. The internet is your friend. Don't pay for shit. I can't stress that enough. There are free lesson plans. Pick one that fits for your class, and bam! ready to go.

Hopefully, that helps. I know, I know... work, right? It isn't so bad. The students are great. They are all mostly adults. You can check out other teacher's students, but know this... one day, they may be your students, and it's not okay to put your dick in your student. If you're a woman... don't put your vagina on your student either. You can... but I mean, it'll be awkward.

I'll end with this hypothetical situation with a teacher and his student who he put his dick in...

Teacher: Alright, so we are going to review past simple. <writes on board> The student called the teacher yesterday... Alright, so let's make this a negative...

Students: The student did not call the teacher yesterday.

Teacher: Good. And how about as a question?

Students: Did the student call the teacher yesterday?

Teacher: Yes, and negative question?

Students: Did the student not call the teacher yesterday?

Teacher: Correct, and what if we want to know the reason?

Students: Why didn't the student call the teacher yesterday?

Teacher: I don't know, why don't you ask Gamza?! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL THE TEACHER, GAMZA?! IT WAS MY HEART, GAMZA! YOU BROKE MY HEART! 

<begins sobbing>