The Day before 'Ashura

For those of who don't know, I'm Muslim. Yes, I know you feel betrayed. If you've found any joy reading this blog, it now feels hollow. It feels like your prayer mat has been ripped out from beneath you... that last joke was just salt in the wound.

"BUT WAIT!" you say, "WHAT ABOUT THE TOILET NYMPHS!" This may come as a surprise to you, but Muslims are able to have a sense of humor... albeit a sophomoric sense of humor, but a sense of humor all the same.

Oh, and to shatter your world view again...

Chappelle... not Prince

Yep, Dave Chappelle is Muslim too. Yes, during the Chappelle Show. The whole time since you've known him. Sorry.

Now, I'm not going to go on about how Muslims are treated in the media or whether or not ISIS is Muslim. Eh, this isn't the time for that. "What time is it then?" I hear you asking.

STOP!

I'm sorry for the lame joke. It can't be undone...

Where was I?... Oh yeah!... wait... ummmmm... Chappelle, Muslim... then, Hammertime... I'm sorry distracted by the dancing MC Hammer. DAMMIT HAMMER! THIS IS NEITHER THE TIME NOR PLACE!

So... I lost my train of thought... Maybe, I should start writing the entire blog post and then add the pictures... but if I do that the terrorists win! I SHALL TRUDGE ON!

OOOOO! I remember. So, I'm very happy actually. Russia is kicking ISIS ass. If you're thinking Russia is up to something, you'd be right. They're up to kicking ISIS ass. BUT WAIT?! They're killing the moderate rebels too! You mean the rebels that don't scream "Allahu Akbar!" every time they behead someone, just every other time. 

"Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!" -ISIS

 What I don't understand is how people expect Muslims to apologize for ISIS. It's like, we aren't arming and funding them. Why don't you ask the US to apologize.

Enough of that... on to something else.

So, this next part is for my friend Mo.

Now, Mo is the one who brought me into the fold of Islam. I mean, I chose to become Muslim, but I didn't know how one does that and which particular school of Islam (madhhab) to follow. Mo helped me with this, and I took my shahada (kinda like a Muslim baptism, but less water... like no water at all... yeah) at his mosque. We are Ja'fari. Yes, there are more than one type of Muslim. SURPRISE!

Anyway, Mo recently got married (alhamdulillah), and I have to give him shit now. It isn't in the way you may think. Mo is like my younger brother, so I gotta straighten him out when he gets to cocky... 

So, Mo... Hey... Just remember one thing whenever you ask your lovely wife (Hi, Nur!) to do anything for you around the house... *ahem*

Question: Is it necessary for a woman to do indoor activities like washing dishes, cooking food and ironing her husband's clothes?

Answer: Although it is not wife's religious duty to do these jobs it is morally good for her to cooperate with her husband and help him in his difficulties. A woman has the right to ask her husband to pay her for the work she does at home. 

 -Al-Sistani 

http://www.sistani.org/english/qa/01179/ 

You may wanna start packing the hookah yourself to save money.

 

 

Some of you will have no idea what any the above part means. It's okay. Just know that the leading Islamic judge in our sect (Ja'fari) basically said, "Yo, if you want yo girl to do ya shit, bitch betta get paaaaaaaaid."

Not exactly the kind of ruling you would expect from an Islamic judge, right? BAM! Think again! They don't call him Sayed Ali "Full-of-Surprises" al-Sistani for nothing (note: no one calls him this.).

 

 

 

 

Surprise...

 

 

 

Anyway... I feel a little guilty for the last joke... but I have a strict anti-deleting policy once I've pressed "enter" on the keyboard. It's not so much a policy as it is a weird form of OCD. Moving on.

I've decided against writing about 'Ashura. It is a very sacred day for us Ja'fari and our other Shi'a brothers. If you want to know more, just google the "Battle of Karbala." I don't want to be tempted to joke about it, so I'll remain silent on it. 

 يا حسين مدد

On a lighter note, the girl thing might actually work out after all... don't wanna jinx it yet. I could be stricken with abrupt flatulence, and nobody likes that. Know what else nobody likes? Flaccid penises... so everyone, my penis and lower intestines need your prayers. May they function as normal. Amen.

 

Anything else? Ummmm... the phone thing is still in the works. So... more to come!