New position...

So, here we are. I'm sure you all missed me. Now for some news...

I am currently the head teacher at my job.

That's it. It's a decent gig. There's more responsibilities and shit like that, but it's not too bad. It keeps me busy.

I figured this is the best way to let everyone that cares about this sort of thing know.

This is just a quick entry. Not a lot of jokes. I mainly did this out of boredom as I wait for a private student to come.

Oh, and I might... I just might have a girl in my life. I still don't want to jinx it.

God, I need some coffee.

That's all for now. Coffee....

What has become of me

So since I'm a lazy bastard, I've decided to remedy this by blogging from my phone. I'm going to regret this decision, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON. I'm just astounded how low I've fallen (by blogging on my phone... my dignity has always been rock bottom, LAWLZ).

As you can imagine, this post will be short, but all is well. I'm legally in this country, so that's a definite plus. My friend Mo is coming to visit me here in Istanbul at the end of November. That's pretty cool, right. My Turkish is coming along... not quickly, but it's coming (like your mother was last night... unless of course you're related to me, in which I retract the "your mother" statement. The women in my family are notorious for not being able to achieve orgasm and I will hear nothing to the contrary. I say GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR).

Well, that was quite a parenthesised tangent.

"But, Lon... what about your views on the political-"
Shut your whore mouths. Do the world a favor and vote Trump. Let America implode on its own batshit insanity and die with the virtually non-existent dignity it might have. The world will thank you.

"And what about a girlfr-"
Don't jinx me, motherfuckers. I don't want to put it print because that means it's real, and I'm not allowed to have nice things. So, silence I say!

I need to add a picture to this... ugh... let me see... let me see... hmmmm..

I know. I know. I'm late...

I'm not sure when the last time I wrote in here. It's been a month or so. I know... I suck. It happens. But, a lot of things have happened since I last wrote. I mean... there was a lot of nothing happening, but there were things too. Cool things. For example, I think I went to Tekirdağ since the last time I wrote. That's a city west of Istanbul. You say it "Teh-keer-daah." The "g" with the hat thingy is kinda silent... It's more like a French "r" and an super soft Arabic "ghayn." Who am I kidding, none of you motherfuckers know either of those letter.

It's fun to be condescending to my readership.

Anyway, that trip was something magical. I still need to travel to other parts of Turkey, but that will come later.

OH! I forgot! There was a coup attempt! Fuck you, America. I knew it was going to happen, but I wasn't sure when. I was ecstatic when it failed. Turkey is my home. You don't fuck with my home.

Home? But, isn't the US your home?

No. This will be a little hard to understand for my white readership, so let me explain. Home is where you feel comfortable. It is where you feel safe. It is where you feel welcomed. For a lot of you, the States have been the only place you've lived. As white people, America is for you. No one really seriously challenges your American-ness or right to be there. Sure, you occasionally have to look at a meme where there are Native Americans saying that you're an illegal immigrant, but that's a fuckin' meme, man. Not serious political action. You feel bad for like 5 minutes and then go on being happy or whatever white people do. I find it interesting that at this point, one of my friends would burst out "BUT YOU'RE WHITE!"

Ah... I forget on the count that when I have to fill out job applications that I can't honestly check that little box that says "White (Non-Hispanic)."

When your complexion and your ethnic group contradict.

Sure, my complexion is white. I'm not arguing that. But, let's get one thing straight; my skin has nothing to do with my culture or ethnic group. What's worse is that, as a Latino that passes for white, I get to hear all the fucked-up things people think about Latinos. I would put Mexicans, but honestly, most people don't know the difference. Do you? Can you point to Puerto Rico on a map? Don't google it. Right now... point to it on a map... I'll wait.

So that was fun, wasn't it? You might be saying, "Why should I need to know where Puerto Rico is?" Funny you should ask that. You see, we are a colony of the US. Sure, it's called a "commonwealth," but the Democratic Republic of Congo is called a "democratic republic," too. See how words are fun? See how this is a segue to a whole other topic? Aren't I a cheeky little bastard? SEGUE!

I got no time for pussy when I'm on my segue!

Now, Puerto Rico has been a colony since aboooooout 1898. Now being a Spanish-speaking island under the US during the early 1900s wasn't necessarily the best position to be in. A lot of fucked up shit happened. Believe you me. After completely destroying our independence movement and buying up most of our agricultural property through one-sided deals with a select few locals who sold out the future of our island, we are faced with a slight inevitable problem. Government funding. Puerto Rico can't choose who it trades with. It can't openly compete with American companies. It exists as a source of resources for American corporations. Oh! And it is a tax haven also. Don't forget that. Convenient. 

Now, the government of Puerto Rico is in a temporarily-halted massive debt spiral of doom. I think it's the US's responsibility to pay it off. 

WHAAAAT?!

Hear me out. The system in place is because of our "special" relationship with the US. We've given so much to the States (resources, people, soldiers, culture, tax havens, visa-free Caribbean getaway). We are in around 70 billion dollars of debt. Plus, you give Israel billions every year in free aid. Israel isn't even your fucking country. You know what that says? It says that you prefer to support an apartheid state than aid American citizens, which Puerto Ricans are. I say Puerto Rico gives its debtors the US's number and tell them that the US has the money. Apparently it does if it can continue to send billions of dollars to Israel simply for existing. Why doesn't the US make Israel the colony and let Puerto Rico go? They keep giving us the "opportunity to become a state," but that will never pass Congress. 

Anyway, that's it for now. There'll be more. Meehhh

Lon's Guide to Becoming a Turk

So, you want to become a Turk... Good. It's a fairly easy process... sort of. Wait... are you American? Oh... then, it will be a difficult process filled with confusion, fear, self-doubt, and a nagging sense of being uncomfortable. Luckily for me, I'm more Puerto Rican (culturally speaking), so it wasn't too difficult for me. Anyway, this is the guide to become Turkish! YAY!

And this is a picture of the Iron Sheikh wrestling a gummy worm

 

Step 1) Language

 

Do you speak any language other than Turkish? Yes? STOP IT! Real Turks only speak Turkish... Unless you're from the southeast of Turkey... then, chances are that you speak Kurdish. If that is the case, STOP IT! Never mention Kurdish. Yes, it exists, but you shouldn't acknowledge it exists. Always mutter something about the PKK. Make sure you do that in Turkish. Is your family from the southeast? Guess what? They never spoke Kurdish. Never. Your grandparents never spoke Kurdish. Your neighbors never spoke Kurdish. What's Kurdish? Is that like a salad dressing? Do you put it on hotdogs? Now, you're getting the hang of it.

Turkish is a great language. Just remember that the "c" makes a hard "j" sound. Always. The name "Can" sounds exactly like the English name "John." You don't smoke cigarettes; you drink jigarets. Drink up, baby.

Also, there are two g's. One is normal. It's the "g" as in "golf." The other has a weird hat on it. "Ğ" is the "silent g." The jury is out on whether or not it is the "silent yet deadly g." You pronounce it like a French "r." How do you pronounce a French "r"? Ummm... I... um... Moving on.

Remember that English won't put the hat on the "g," so you have to guess if it is there in words. For example, it's in yogurt. Feel betrayed yet? We'll come back to yogurt later.

"I'm waiting for you."

 

Step 2) Turkish Pride

 

 

You see that flag right there? Sexy isn't it? You will learn to love this flag. You will put it everywhere. Oh, and remember the Ottoman Empire. You know, that empire that lasted over 500 years and was a cosmopolitan mix of a vast amount of cultures, peoples, and ethnicities? It's only Turkish now. Only the Turks can claim it as theirs despite any evidence to the contrary. Fuck you that's why!

Do you like wolves? Of course you do! You're Turkish! Don't listen to those assholes that say you evolved from monkeys! Also, I know you're Muslim (and we will get to that point later) and it says that God made you from clay, but that's wrong too. You were made from grey wolves. Keep in mind that you are not a werewolf nor do you ever transform into a wolf at any time. Regular bullets can still kill you. They don't have to be silver. Just a heads up.

Try to remember the many contributions that Turks have given the world in the forms of cuisine. Baklava, Turkish coffee, yogurt, kebab, YOGURT! Whenever a foreigner mentions Greeks, go into a rabid fury about how those Greek bastards have stolen all these Turkish innovations. They really are thieving bastards. Those Greek thieving bastards.

 

Oh! and tea.

 

 

You will drink roughly 10 in a day. The max amount of sugar per cup is two sugar cubes. Anything more and you're basically an Arab... and no one wants to be an Arab. Damn sugar-loving Arabs.

Also, did something happen outside of Turkey? Who the fuck cares! Tune it out. Only Turkey matters. There's famine in Africa? Is Africa in Turkey? Nope! Don't care. Even when it comes to the politics of neighbors and those politics directly affect Turkey, you don't care. The civil war in Syria? What's your point? It isn't Turkey. Do I look like one of those sugar-loving Arabs? I don't care about anything outside of Turkey.

 

Step 3) Islam

 

You're Muslim now! Surprise!

 

Right now, it is Ramazan (or Ramadan in English, but you're wrong; it's Ramazan). Are you fasting? Don't worry, you don't need to. Just pretend you are right before iftar (dinner after sundown). Just don't drink water (easy), smoke (little harder), or drink tea (FUCKIN' IMPOSSIBLE) for a couple of hours before sundown. Look solemn and concentrated as you pretend to have been fasting the whole day. Make all the arrangements to have iftar. If anything goes wrong with the plan, get upset because remember... you've been fasting for the last hour and a half.

But what if you are actually fasting? Good for you. Don't worry about prayer though. Yes, you should pray five times a day, but let's get serious. You're fasting. That should be enough for God. It's definitely enough for you. Maybe, God shouldn't be so demanding. God should be happy that you're fasting. God should be grateful that you've decided to follow the rules. He should be happy that you decided to stop drinking on Friday nights during Ramazan. Other nights don't count because God is sleeping those nights. Shhhh! Don't wake him up.

Now, you're Muslim, and there's a thing about not having sex before marriage. Sure, there's butt sex. That doesn't count as sex because it's in the butt. That's why the butt is there... unless I'm missing something. However, maybe you just want regular ol' sex. It's okay... you can tell Lon. If you're a girl, this is easy. Step one is to find a guy. Rinse and repeat.

If you're a guy, finding a girl might be a little more difficult. Don't be thrown off by the girls with hijab. They get down too. You must never say it directly though. NEVER. You can hint at it. NEVER ASK A GIRL IF SHE IS A VIRGIN! YOU WILL GET SLAPPED! You can figure it out other ways. Ask if she is traditional or not. Traditional means she is waiting for marriage so you can only do butt stuff. Not traditional means she is good to go. 

 

Lucky for you, Turkish women are gorgeous. Remember that.

Now for my Shi'a friends... you may not be disturbed by this. All you gotta do is find a Shi'a girl and have a nikah mut'ah. NOPE! No one does that here. Not a single girl will agree to that. Even if they aren't traditional, they will never agree to mut'ah. Go ahead... explain how it is halal. See how far that gets you (answer: nowhere). 

Also, the term Shi'a (Shii in Turkish). You have to be more specific. There are a few types of Shii here. The most popular is Alevi. They are groovy people, but they aren't what you're used to if you're an Arab Shi'i. Then, there are the Bektashi. They are from Trakya (Thrace). They are also groovy, but again... not what you're used to. The one you're looking for is Jaferi... but wait... they are also known as Azeri... like people from Azerbaijan. It's a little confusing because Turks know Shii, but not necessarily Jaferi. You have to say you are Azeri even though you aren't from Azerbaijan. It's complicated, man... that's why I'm writing this down. 

Final Thoughts

 

Now, this is by no means a complete guide. I'm writing this at 12 o' clock at night... I want to go to sleep. I have work in the morning. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?! Anyway, this should be a good start on your journey to... BECOMING TURKISH!

I'm in a constant state of disappointing myself.

And you all thought I was crazy for leaving

Judging by the outcome of the presidential primaries, I'm sure a lot of you are desperate to find a way to leave America. Worry not, my good friends. Papa Lon (fuck it, that's what I'm referring to myself at the moment) has your back. But... let us first pause as I soak in this glorious moment of "I-fucking-told-you-so."

Is that a hint of hazelnut I detect? 

Now first, let's analyze this situation. So we got Trump and Hillary... and you guys are fucked. What's sad is that most of the world is focused on Trump. I get it. He's absolutely insane. He says terrible things, but that's the thing... they are just words. Hillary on the other hand... well, we'll play a little game.- YAY!-

The game is to see how many articles I can reference to her past horrific actions and current stances. Are you ready?

Hillary Clinton and Libya - 1

Hillary Clinton and Libya - 2

Hillary Clinton and Libya - 3

Hillary Clinton and Palestine - 1

Hillary Clinton and Money and Selling Cabinet Positions - 1

Hillary Clinton and the Honduran Coup - 1

Hillary Clinton and the Honduran Coup - 2

Hillary Clinton and South Sudan and Child Soldiers - 1

Hillary Clinton and Approving of Drone Assassinations via Personal Cellphone 

Hillary Clinton and Syria - 1

Hillary Clinton and Intimidating a Rape Victim of Her Husband

Hillary Clinton and the Child Rape Victim - 1 

So, what can you do? You have two horrible choices. You are simply voting against the candidate you want to lose. Ah, Democracy. This is what we demand other countries have.

Oh! And guns. Yes, we have the Second Amendment, but Fuck that Amendment. Now, hear me out...

I'm not saying this because I don't think you shouldn't have guns. I'm saying this because no one in America uses them correctly. Hunting? Self-protection against other citizens? Mass shootings? No! NO! NOOOOO! It's all wrong.

We have guns for the sole purpose of arming a militia to fight a tyrannical government. Well, the government has been tyrannical for some time now, and we still demand no one shoots a cop. We still stand up to support the people who oppress us today or will oppress us tomorrow. So guess what, America? You've lost your right to have guns because you were too cowardly to put your lives on the line for your country. No, going to Iraq is not fighting for your country. You're fighting for corporate interests. Don't be mad at me for stating the obvious. I think deep down, you always knew. It's okay. You can cry on my shoulder. Let it out... shhh shhhh... let it out.

Anyway, if you want to leave America (no, Canada is not an option), you have to be skilled labor. For example, I am an ESL teacher. I have a certification and what-not. I'm all set to go. Any engineers reading this? Yeah, you can make your way over here. Oh, you might want to learn another language. It tends to help.

If you want to get certified to teach English... it'll cost you a bit, and you're going to need some free time. The best certification is CELTA. Trust me, it's the tits. You can go anywhere with that shit. Maybe, you aren't ready for that kind of commitment. Maybe, you just want to get your toe in the water. Maybe, you're a little bitch.

If that be the case, just search for TESL certification. It has many names. TEFL, TESOL, Larry.

Anyway, so I'm fasting right now... you know... Ramadan. It's more than just not eating. It's not smoking or drinking.

You get used to it. Trust me, the not-drinking-anything makes the not-eating-anything way easier. Hopefully that sentence made sense. The only thing I don't like about Ramadan is my breath. It is not pleasant. Mine right now is a borderline war crime.

Anyway, that's it for now.

I have returned

Alright, so it's been some time. To be fair, I've been working everyday for the last month. Now, is this an adequate excuse? No, of course it isn't. Have I had better things to do? No. No I have not.

Anyway, first matter of business. No updates on women.

Well, sort of.

Well, not really.

I don't know. Anyway, moving on.

I'm feeling a little lethargic right now. I don't want to do any of the gifs and stuff.

So, no one tell my dad, but I've started working out. He must never know. If you are reading this, Dad, UNREAD IT IMMEDIATELY.

I think this is going to be an incredibly underwhelming post. During Ramadan (Ramazan in Turkish), I'll be writing more in this.

So, uh... yeeeeeeeeeah.

Istanbul is amazing as always. I'm still waiting to be legal here. Meh. The new owner of my school fuckin' sucks. Pay has been late and I'm still waiting to be legal. I can't leave until I'm legal, and I want to visit my friend Manal in Lebanon while she is there. DID I MENTION SHE'S FINALLY SINGLE. I mean... granted she was going to get married and move to Brazil. I don't know if she dodged a bullet or didn't dodge a bullet... I don't know what the opposite of dodging a figurative bullet is. Maybe, she got figuratively shot by a bullet. Moral of the story is don't play with figurative guns.

Hopefully, she doesn't ask too much about that last paragraph... I probably shouldn't write this part... Why am I still writing? Oh god, I can't stop. Uh-uh-uh-I-uh-I-um... I sharted myself yesterday. God, that wasn't the best transition. I just had to switch topics. I think this has just gotten worse. Sadly, the shart was true. I must've eaten some bad kebap. It was not a fun day. Why am I sharing this? NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS.

God, I need to shave.

That's it. I'll write more later.

so hear me out on this...

Yeah, I know. It's been some time since updating this thing. I've been busy. Currently, I'm working 7 days a week. I'm doing my roommate (we'll call her Dr. Sanchez) a solid. Dr. Sanchez has a new job, and works 7 days a week, too, but to alleviate the burden, I decided to take her evening classes on Thursday and Friday. My sanity is slowly slipping, which is good for all of you because my ridiculous imagination kicks into 5th gear (6th gear, depending on the vehicle) when I am exhausted. WEEEEEE!

So, you know how I said that the first girl, Dilek, was out of my life... well... NOPE!

She messages me out of the blue. FUCKIN' TYPICAL! I met with her last Friday for lunch. Then, the other girl I was seeing didn't work out. That's okay. It's a good kind of "didn't work out." So now, I have some prospects along with Dilek, the Turkish She-Devil. Moving on...

So, I know a lot of you in the States are freaking out about Donald Trump and his insane antics. I'mma get to that. Now, I started thinking... What if he is right? Well, I mean... what if he is right about the wall along the border? Hear me out...

Now, what is Mexico's biggest export? Cheap labor? Agricultural goods? Tacos? GOD! PLEASE TELL ME IT'S TACOS!

No.

It's...

Chupacabras.

That's right. Chupacabras.

"What exactly is a chupacabra" you may be asking. Shut up. I'll tell you.

Based on my amateur research, a quick peruse of the Wikipedia page, a tendency to jump to conclusions, and somethings I flat-out made up, I will explain what these foul demons are and why Donald Trump is our savior.

That above is a chupacabra. They stand at about 3 feet (1 meter... or yard... you know, I don't know metric... 1 metric yard). Normally, they feast on the blood of goats, but lately, they've had a taste for a different sort of blood. That's right... people. Think I'm making that up? GUESS AGAIN!

Cute-a-cabra

 

According to the Mexican Daily Siesta Gazette, a highly-respected and in-no-way-fake newspaper, thousands of Mexicans have been attacked and killed by these monsters. 

So what? Dead Mexicans.

NOT SO WHAT!

Every Mexican killed turns into another CHUPACABRA (and I am in no way mixing chupacabras with zombies). Soon, they will be an army. A CHUPACABRARMY (don't try to say that word aloud... I wrote it and even I am not entirely sure how to pronounce it).

So why isn't this in the mainstream media? BECAUSE THEY HAVE ALREADY INFILTRATED OUR MEDIA CORPORATIONS! OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE! I'M WRITING IN ALL-CAPS ON THE INTERNET! IT MUST BE TRUE!

Only our glorious savior, Donald Trump, can save us from the Chupanati (or the Chupacabra Illuminati). 

Now, I know what you're thinking. How will a wall stop the Chupa-invasion? 

Duh! Chupacabras can only be stopped by walls. How do you not know that? Everyone knows that. Shame... shame on you.

So, why should Mexico pay for the wall? I know... I know... you short-sighted bastard... I know you are asking this. Again, you disappoint me.

Chupacabras are financially irresponsible and also have a hoard of gold. When pressed, they cannot say no to any requests for money. Mr. Trump knows this. 

Moral of the story: Vote Trump. Stop Chupacabras.

Meh... that's all I got today.