So, today I'm gonna do an analysis of two superheroes. One from DC and one from Marvel. That being said... I saw Avengers: Infinity War... THAT SHIT WAS DOOOOOOOPE!
OH SNAP! ... too soon?
So it got me thinking... Why do I like Marvel way more than DC? Really I mean, why is Marvel better than DC. There I said it! Come at me bro!
Now, DC's darling savior has always been Batman. Mr. The Batman. Bat McMannington Esquire. The Dark Knight. Bruce "My Parents Are Dead" Wayne.
Y'know... this guy
But who in the Marvel Universe can we compare to Mr. Wayne?
Well, some people think Tony "Oozing Charisma and Alcohol" Stark aka Iron Man (cue: Black Sabbath rift) is the closest to our wing-ed friend. I disagree. Although both are multi-billionaires and both have dearly departed parents, Stark was an adult when his parents kicked the bucket.
No, no, no. Iron Man is not a good comparison although I think we can all agree that Tony is much more intelligent than Batman.
"Then, who?" I hear you asking. Calm your tits! I'm getting there.
The most logical comparison is of course Peter "Spider Man" Parker.
I already hear some of you scoffing. STOP YOUR SCOFFAGE, PEASANT!
Hear me out.
First, let's look at it point by point.
DEAD PARENTS
Both of their parents are dead. You know it. I know it. Depending on which Marvel Universe we're talking about, the story differs on how they kicked their respective buckets. Point being is that they are dead, and Peter has to live with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben. Now, Bruce witnessed his parents died at a young age which left him with only his dutiful and caring butler Alfred Pennyworth (#worth_every_penny amirite?). Oh... and countless BILLIONS OF FUCKIN' DOLLARS.
Peter was left with only his lower-middle-class aunt and uncle in their Queens house. Oh, but as for witnessing a loved one die, he holds himself personally responsible for the preventable death of his uncle. Oh, and he accidentally killed his first love Gwen Stacy. You see how that might be a little worse of a situation. Bruce doesn't have to live with his parents' blood on his hands. Spidey has to live with that shit. Every-god-damn-day. He has to look in the mirror as he does his morning aspirations. "With great -you killed- power comes great- your uncle and girlfriend- responsibility." Sip that in. Does it taste like sadness and guilt? Good. What's that? You had to kill your best friend's dad, Norman Osbourne, and your best friend hates you for doing it even though he has no clue you are actually Spider Man. Oh... wow... that's pretty heavy.
Oh... also in recent issues of the comic, Mary Jane (his wife) dies from cancer because of his radioactive jizz. Spidey can't get a break.
INTELLIGENCE (BATMAN'S SUPER POWER)
Now, everyone says Batman is the smartest person in the DC Universe. Him or Brainiac... but Brainiac is a bad guy, so he doesn't count. Maybe Lex Luthor... eh... Batman, I guess.
His inventions aren't actually all that spectacular. He sorta just has the technology (which in some cases, he didn't even come up with) when it comes to figuring shit out. Moreover, he doesn't share this shit. He could very easily share this high class technology with the Gotham Police to aid them in their investigations. Does he? NO! OF COURSE HE DOESN'T! The Gotham Police has plenty of officers! OFFICERS WITH LIVING PARENTS! UGGGGGH!
Peter on the other hand came up with a substance that is essentially synthetic spider webbing when he was still in high school. I'm sorry... what? You heard me! Without all the billions at Batman's disposal, Peter Parker was able to invent (or in some cases, just replicate- but this is just as impressive) synthetic spider webbing along with a portable device to disperse it. I mean, this is actually ground breaking shit. And how does he fund this? On a newspaper photographer's salary, motherfucker.
CRIME FIGHTING
Now both Batman and Spiderman fight crime. Everything from big super villains to petty criminals. With Spiderman it's low scale. He mostly sticks to his area. Like Batman, he tries not to kill anyone, but it isn't like "his code." Since he has superior fighting skills, super strength, and that webbing, he can usually take down criminals non-lethally.
But Batman? There is no way he doesn't cause the deaths of people, both criminals and innocents. Merely speeding around Gotham in his Batmobile would probably lead to at least one person in getting in a fatal car crash. And the police chases? DUDE! There is no way some of those cops are walking away from those crashes. Batman has to have at least permanently ended the careers of a handful of Gotham's finest.
There is NO WAY those guys aren't dead
Seriously, look at that picture. Those guys are dead. The cars behind that blown up truck are going to pile up. At least ten people will die, even if the car doesn't go over the barrier into on-coming traffic.
Really!
I bet he will go home at night and in the morning, watch the news to hear of his exploits.
TV: Late last night, Batman apprehended the Joker in a high-speed car chase on the highway.
Batman: (in gravelly voice) You see, Alfred... that was meeeeee-
TV: The Caped Crusader lobbed explosives into traffic which resulted in an immediate pile up and the lives of most of the criminals along with several innocent motorists.
Batman: -eeeeeeeeeeee... *breathes* meeeeeeeeeeeeee... I am the night... I am... BATMAAAAAAN
Alfred: How astute of you Master Wayne.
Batman: Pull my finger Alfred... I think there's a breeze coming through the Bat Cave.
Alfred: ... Master Wayne-
Batman: PULL IT! *Alfred pulls his finger and Batman farts* OH NO, ALFRED! It's the Joker's Laughing Gas!
Alfred: Indeed, it is Master Bruce... Indeed, it is. *walks away*
TV: The death toll has reached 25 as some of the injured succumbed to their wounds. Officials from Gotham General expect the number to increase as several more are in critical condition.
Batman: Ha... Laughing Gas... Good one, Batman. *continues to snicker while eating a bag of Doritos.* Uh oh... ALFRED! I need you to clean my Bat Tights!
Spider Man is way better at not killing people. The webbing is the real difference maker. It's strong enough to stop cars from falling, hold criminals, the whole nine yards... and that isn't even part of his "super powers."
But what really sets them apart is that Bruce Wayne could take all that money of his and make a real difference. He could easily lobby the city government to make the necessary changes. Hell, he has enough money to lobby the whole federal government effectively, so one fucking city shouldn't be that hard. If he doesn't trust the city government, he could easily run for mayor and finance the campaigns of good trustworthy people in a host of high-ranked positions. He could easily use his wealth to make Gotham a safe, prosperous city. Seriously, he could donate vast sums to public works projects, renovations, and reform.
HAVE YOU SEEN ARKHAM ASYLUM and the prison?! That's essentially a violation of human rights that he just shrugs off. How about you work towards reforming and reintegrating the criminals you put away. I mean, JESUS CHRIST, MAN! You have the funds. Have Wayne Enterprises start a "Second Chance" program for convicts. You traveled the world and you didn't stop to think "hey... this prison system here isn't half bad. Less repeat offenders... safer communities..."
No, instead, he dresses like a bat and beats on working-class criminals. All the while he keeps screaming "MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!!!!" I beat at least a couple of these criminals never knew their fathers and watched their mothers kill themselves with drugs and booze. Hell.. I bet a couple of their mothers were hookers. No, but your rich parents died and you have anger issues. And do those criminals have health insurance to cover the severe beating you gave them? No... of course, they don't. Way to go Batman. You just slapped a whopping debt on this poor asshole and his family. I wonder if his kids are gonna end up fucked up. OF COURSE THEY ARE. If only there was another way... hmmmm... one that could alleviate the economic crisis these poor bastards are trapped in.
Smartest detective, my ass.
CONCLUSION
Batman is fuckin' terrible. I didn't even mention Peter's powers. There's no need. He is honestly a good guy just trying to do the right thing. But Batman? He just wants to beat up poor people and not address real issues that he could actually solve. Remember with great power comes great responsibility? Batman's power is his enormous wealth. And what does he do with it? FUCKIN' COSPLAY AS A GODDAMN FLYING CHUPACABRA!
Now... Batman does have something that can't be denied. He has amazing villains. I mean... they are fucking spectacular. They are deep and twisted. The Joker, Bane, Ras al-Ghul, Mr. Freeze, Catwoman (re-ow), and a host of others. Can they top Thanos, Magneto, Apocalypse, Loki, Galactus, or even Kingpin? No... oh god, no. Not even close... But they're still good.
There is only really two super villains that stand out in DC. First is the Joker. duh.
The second isn't even a Batman villain... it's Lex Luthor. Mr. Bald-Man-McGee himself.
Now... I should add that Lex Luthor is also really stupid at times. However, he is at his best when he doesn't have to lift a finger or put on some stupid high-powered kryponite suit thingy. It's when he is just being the embodiment of capitalism. There are many times when he'll support the good guys for his own nefarious reasons. Everything comes down to profit for him. So, sure... he'll essentially fund a shit ton of cancer research for the sole purpose of being able to patent it and sell it. The best thing about him is that he could do most of his sinister activities legally and they wouldn't be any less evil and despicable. The best thing about him is that our world is run by Lex Luthors, and we all know he is the bad guy. He is positively wonderful.
Anyway, despite all that, Marvel is still way better than DC. You can't compare. It's like comparing a heaping pile of dog shit with the Mona Lisa.
And Fuck Superman... I think that goes without saying.
Oh... and Marvel has Deadpool...
Any Questions?
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