Okay... so it's been... uh... well... over a year since I wrote in this. I'm sure you're wondering "why? why come back? I was living my life just fine without you, Lon."
To that I say this: I'm important GOD DAMMIT! YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME!
I can already feel that I'm off my game. This ol' fingers of mine have become rusty. I'm sure there's a dirty joke in that last sentence, but that's how rusty I am... I can't find it.
Anyway, let me give you a brief update since I last graced your- OH SHIT! IT WAS A MASTURBATION JOKE! I TOTALLY MISSED IT! I coulda made a wanking joke about rusty fingers and jizz... I think I still got it.
So where was I. Ummmm... Alright, so last you saw me... or heard from me... whateves... I think I was dating a Persian chick, I had just become head teacher, and life was a giant clump of shit dangling from one of my ass hairs... and the clump of shit was on fire.
Let's just say nothing went well.
But it's alright. Things didn't work out with the Persian chick. That happens. I'm not too bummed about it because... ahem... I gots a girlfriend. More about her later.
As for the job, I'm fucking happy it didn't work out. It was like getting paid to stick your head into a meat grinder... I mean, if you didn't die from doing that... and you weren't disfigured from sticking your head in said meat grinder... so I guess... it was nothing like getting paid to stick your head into a meat grinder... Have my metaphors always fallen apart or is this a new development?
Anyway, it sucked. The job. It was thankless and stressful. Also I got demoted from it because I am a dirty socialist who believes in workers' rights and threatened a strike if we weren't paid immediately (they were a month late on wages). Apparently, when you're management, you're supposed to be on the boss's side. In my defense... I didn't know that...
I knew that.
Luckily, this pushed me into the direction to get a new job. I'll spare you the details... which is basically I got a new job relatively easily... That was something.
Ah, I forgot to tell you about my travels. I went to London. If you like Doctor Who and Sherlock and other things of that variety, I've got some news for you!
Prepare to be...
Look, I dunno what I was expecting when I got to London. But if you are expecting any color other than grey... well, you're gonna be disappointed. Everything is grey.
Sky: grey.
Ground: grey.
Buildings: grey.
And I just wasn't impressed. For example, I was walking with my main bro, Mo (shout out), and he said "and that's the London Eye."
Guys... the London Eye is a fucking ferris wheel. A FUCKIN' FERRIS WHEEL! I'm thinkin' it's like the Space Needle or the CN Tower. NOPE! Fuckin' fish-and-chips ferris wheel. How the fuck does that attract tourists?
"Hey do you wanna see this grey-ass city up high?"
"Will it be greyer from up there"
"YOU'RE FUCKIN' RIGHT IT'LL BE!"
And! And! It costs fuckin' money. What kinda shit is that.
Let me make this clear... I live in Istanbul. THIS IS MY DAILY VIEW
And it's a shitty photo, too!
And here's London
Everything is fuckin' GREY! And that building looks like a BUTTPLUG
You see what I mean?! Now, before you feel all satisfied about me dissing on London, lemme make one thing clear. To those of you in the States, I WOULD GO TO LONDON A HUNDRED TIMES THAN GO BACK TO ONE OF YOUR FUCKIN' CITIES AGAIN.
I mean that shit too. When I went back last January, I got "greeted" by an American agent in Heathrow (London airport), got a special selection when I landed, and then got selected again leaving. Now selected means you gotta go through security, like, twice. I almost missed my flight back home to Istanbul. So... YOU CAN EAT A DICK BECAUSE I AIN'T GOING BACK!
... So where was I? OH! I got a job at Istanbul University. And they pay me a stupid amount of money to basically teach 20 hours. AND I MEAN A STUPID AMOUNT OF MONEY... especially when you consider how cheap it is to live here.
OH AND I DON'T GOT NO DEBT... Just wanted to add that. I feel good about that.
This funny picture needs no relevance.
So, life is pretty gooooood. And I've somehow managed to get a beautiful, amazing girlfriend. Still have no idea how I pulled that off... AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS! I know RIGHT?! Didn't see that one coming! Chick sans dick!
BREAKING NEWS!!!
This just in... My friend Mo finally got a job in London after looking for one after he finished his Masters... AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER DIDN'T TELL ME! SO YOU ON BLAST, SON!
...oh shit... I remember that hat... I lost it on the train in London... RIP
We now return to your regular programming.
Yeah, so my girl's name is Pinar. It means "water spring" in Turkish...
She's ridiculously good-looking
I can't even joke... like I'm not sure how someone who looks like me gets a gorgeous girl like her... and she loves me too. I mean, look at the picture above... and then look at this picture
He looks like he smuggles sharp things in his butt for a living
I mean... come on... how does that happen?
It's crazy because I grew up in the US, but I learned how to be an adult in Turkey. Like dating? I had no idea how to do it or what it was. I knew "Hey... you have a pretty face. we can smash our bodies together sweatedly until you decide to stop returning my texts." But dating? Nah... foreign concept. Planning doctors appointments. Paying bills. Paying rent. I mean... I did the last two in the US, but I never had to do it in a foreign language so I guess that's why I put it on here.
I pay for everything in my life. It's crazy. I bought my own phone, cash... well, I used my card... but it just moved the money in my bank account to the store's bank account... so I think that counts as cash... card? cash? Whatever.... I bought it. I travel around the world... and I buy the tickets... Crazy, right?
I don't mean to brag. That's not the point of this. I mean... I guess it serves many points. At one time it served as a means to explain the intricacies of how the toilets have a jet that shoots water into your asshole... the point is I feel like life is really good. I'm not worried which is an odd feeling for me. Is this normal?
I was born in the US, and no one I know feels in control. No one feels secure. It's just one unlucky day until it all comes crashing down. One trip to your bosses office to be told you've been let go, one untimely illness, one forgotten bill to pay, one mistake in a database somewhere. There's just so much uncertainty. And I guess, that's not how I feel.
I guess... I guess I'm finally an adult... at the age of 29.
Or maybe I spoke to soon LAWLZ
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