Hey, guys.
Thought it was just a flash in the pan, me coming back with the blog and all. Didn't want to get your hopes up because you knew deep inside I was just going to abandon you all for another year? I bet you're reading this now thinking "You're just writing this just to purposefully get my hopes up. Writing a blog two weeks in a row doesn't make you consistent, Lon. HOW DARE YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS!"
You're right... two weeks in a row doesn't make me consistent. Now, I'm not gonna promise I'll be back next week... but I guess, we'll see.
Now, I've been racking my brain about what to write about. Nothing really has happened in the last week. I mean... today I got off of work because it's a holiday. I think its the Children's Holiday... All I know is that I didn't go to work today and it isn't a problem... this time, at least.
But this holiday is appropriate. I wanted to write about children today... but not in that way... uhhh... I've gone and made this awkward.
What I mean is a lot of people I know have kids. Like my parents... They've got kids. So does my sister. And my aunt and uncle. And I'm sure a lot of other people.
Now I don't have kids... I hope. If I do, no one has alerted me of this. I mean... people have but I ignored them. YOU CAN'T SUB POENA ME IF I'M IN TURKEY! HA HA!
Anyway, I want to impart my wisdom on child-rearing to you, my dear readers. If you follow this guide, you will raise your inferior gooey babies into manly men and ... uh... womanly women. Is womanly a word? Apparently it is because I'm not getting the squiggly red line under it. WOMANLY!
So let's get started.
MAKING THE BABY
Now... I'm a little shaky on this part of the process. Something about bees and birds. Is the stork the bird? Does the bee sting the stork and out of revenge the stork delivers a small human to the owners of the bees? Do all parents own bees? ... This metaphor raises more questions than it answers.
Basically, when a man and woman... uhhh... want to... ummm... okay... why don't you just watch some porn and you'll get the gist of it. Just no gang bang porn. That'll confuse you. And lesbian and gay porn (not saying it's inferior to straight porn... please don't kill me) isn't what you're looking for. Also... ummm... solo work and blow jobs also it... you're going to have to narrow it down to creampies... just not anal creampies. I'll just wait here while you do that...
Good... now if you're a guy reading this... go clean yourself off. I'll wait a little longer. Oh... and just remember, you outta be ashamed. Disgusting. I sent you on one fact-finding mission and you just can't help yourself. I hope your dad/ mom/ grandmother/ dog walked in on you and cried. Now go wash yourself off, you animal.
To the ladies, I'm so sorry that we have to wait until these beasts cleanse off their shame goo from their nether regions... anyway... did you hear about Kristie and her new boyfriend? Yeah, I know... what a whore, right? He's kinda cute though. Think I have a chan- Oh hey guys, are you done washing up? Good. Fuckin' animals the lot of you.
Now to the next point.
PREGNANCY
Women. You are majestic and magnificent. You bring life into this world and only you can do that. That's why there's a wage gap.
Men. Your woman is gonna get fat. Try not to sleep with younger, thinner women. If you sleep with anyone, it should be with the mother of your future child... or someone much fatter and older than her. SHE WILL NEVER SUSPECT IT. Also, if you do that, sleeping with your wife will be like an upgrade. You'll appreciate your woman more. You'll say things to yourself like "Oh thank god! My woman may be pregnant but at least she doesn't have a hunchback/tons of warts/ back hair/ a 5 o'clock shadow/ a hook for a hand/ a penis/ an strange obsession with mating rituals of sea turtles like that other woman. If you're going to cheat, cheat to strengthen your relationship.
Women. Your man is going to be doing his best to be there for you/ avoid you at all costs due to pregnancy-induced madness. This may not happen again. Demand him to be at your side constantly. BREAK HIS SOUL. Remind him that it takes two to tango but only one not to pull out. Set the field for your future together. You don't want him to be carefree, independent, or happy. If you're miserable, make sure he is too. Pregnancy is a team effort. Remind him that you're the coach, and he's playing in the NCAA. (I'm sorry, ladies... only the guys will probably get that last joke. It's college sports... not that organization for black people... you're thinking of the NAACP... don't worry... happens more than I'd care to admit... wait, one of you thought it was for guns? You mean the NRA? How?... okay, yes both start with an N and end with an A... I know, but that's really all they have in-... WAIT! You thought it was that band with George Michael from the 80s? WHAM!? How could you even- ... Yes, I like that song too... no... stop singing it... it's gonna get stuck in.... OH GOD IT'S IN THERE ALREADY! THANKS A LOT, KAREN!... No it isn't by Hall & Oates... you're thinking of "You Make My Dreams Come True." GOD DAMMIT, NOW THAT'S IN MY HEAD! FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)
Oates's moustache makes my dreams come true
Wow... that was quite a tangent.
I'm sure a lot of you are eager to find the sex of the baby. Don't. It will only confuse you. Let it be spontaneous. Sure, people won't know what color scheme to get for gifts or what balloons to buy. Keep them on their toes. Make them feel bad for not being more attentive to the spawn growing in your collective womb. MAKE THEM PANIC! Guilt them for not giving enough presents.
BIRTH
Now, there is no delicate way to put this. I mean, a baby is gonna bust outta your woman's/ your vagina like the Kool Aid Man. I mean... the Kool Aid Man busts outta walls... not a vagina. I guess if you're in a field and someone say "Hey KOOL AID!" right next to someone's vagina, I'm sure he would bust out of that. It would be strange to say the least... why didn't he just bust outta the ground which is basically a wall for your feet? Why does he even come in the first place? So many questions... is the Kool Aid like his blood? Has anyone actually seen him drink Kool Aid? Is he like a Jesus type figure where he offers his blood to you for salvation?
Moving on... if you have any questions as to how the miracle of birth looks like or you need a quick reference to show your children, who have the fuckin' nerve to ask where babies come from... Here you go...
Birth... Truly remarkable, isn't it?
Anyway, now you have a brand-new baby. Is it a boy or girl? Are you assuming its gender? Ask it. If it doesn't say anything, just assume then.
Now, if you have a girl, it's pretty simple. Name it. If you're white, just give it a "k" name. Kaitlin, Karen, Katie, Kristie, Kstephanie, Knuckles... if you're not white, you can't name it a "k" name. It'll confuse everyone. White people only get "k" and most of the months of the year. Everyone else gets one month but all the other letters for girls. And that's why there's a wage gap.
Black people... you can name your girl anything you want... and I'm sorry for ... um... well... everything... I guess everything is the best way to sum it up at this point.
Now, if you're Jewish... you know deep down that you're white. Let's not argue this. But, you can choose more than "k." I can't even think of a Jewish name that starts with K. BUT! If it isn't a Jewish name, you have to stick to the "k" convention. Look, I don't make the rules. So... for example... Karen Cohen is a fine name. Rachel Cohen is another fine name. Alexandra Cohen goes against the system. She will outcast and adopted by minorities. Them the rules.
Now if you have a boy, you have two main questions: What will his name be? and How do I get rid of that foreskin? Don't worry, I GOT YOU! Boys should have names that can't be made fun of easily. CHILDREN ARE FUCKIN' RUTHLESS. For example... my name growing up was Bud. My dad was Lon (that selfish bastard stealing my name) and I was Bud. BUD SOUNDS TOO MUCH LIKE BUTT! And then, it doesn't help that there's Budweiser and Bud Light. FUCKIN THANKS A LOT, DAD! HE GETS TO KEEP THE COOL NAME WHILE I'M REFERRED TO AS A LITERAL ASS!
And that's why I stole his underwear when I was in middle school.
You might be thinking "John is a good name." Is it?! I've gotta go to the john! NO! SEE, IT'S USELESS!
Here are some safe names... Thadeus, Christian (NOT CHRIS... CHRIS CROSS APPLE SAUCE), Steven (NOT STEPHEN! It's TOO CLOSE TO STEPHANIE), Methuselah, Todd, Chad, Jedidiah, Eric, Angelo, Rufus, Marcus (NOT MARK... You got bad marks in math, Mark... see what I mean!?), Andrew, Kunta (NOT TOBY! HIS NAME WILL NOT BE TOBY), T'Challa, Ryan (but not Brian... it sounds too much like Ryan), Adam, David, Daniel, and Peter.
Now, if your son gets made fun of, it won't be because of his name... it will because he is just inferior to the other kids at school. That's just bad genetics and you only have your own testicles to blame... yell at them and hopefully they won't disappoint you with the next child.
Now, if your Muslim and in the US... you gotta be smart. On the birth certificate give them the WHITEST NAME you can possibly think of. I'll help... ummm... Adolf Hitler... no that's too white... ummm... Christian Notmuslim. There you go. Hopefully he should be able to get on planes with no problem.
Latinos... just give your kids Muslim names, it's not like we have enough money to buy plane tickets anyway and we already look Arab. Plus, they're never asked about papers or any of that shit, so it's a win-win really. When you speak Spanish, put extra phlegm in the "j's". It'll sound like Arabic. Now, you don't have to worry about ICE... just the FBI.
Black people... you guys can use whatever name you want...
So, how to get rid of the foreskin? I'm sure some of you are saying 'why get rid of the foreskin?' Dick cheese. I said it. Dick... fuckin'... cheese. Look that up why don't you. Plus, kids can hide things in their foreskin like knives and guns. It's a security precaution.
Get rid of the foreskin right away. Don't wait for the doctor. Bite it off if you have to. The longer you wait, the more attached to it your son will get to it. But don't throw it away. Keep it. Put it on your mantle. Have it as a trophy so your son will always know that his dick has already been bested by his father. Put it in a case. Have your son clean, dust, and polish the case everyday in the morning. Let him start the day off being reminded of your superiority.
EARLY CHILDHOOD
The first couple years are uneventful. Your child will shit, eat, vomit, sleep, cry, and learn a few new tricks. It will learn to talk... remind it that it is more important to learn to listen. Have a word limit. Once it goes over that limit for the day, calmly scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP" in its face until it starts crying. You are the parent. Remember your role. There's no need to hit your child. Physical discipline can only break their bodies... Your words can break their souls.
This isn't to say you shouldn't encourage them to speak. Especially when their close to the word limit, engage them. Try to get them talking. But as soon as they hit that limit, remind them of the rules with the ancient parenting technique of screaming. Really startle them. Suddenly grabbing them should do the trick. Don't break eye contact. Really savor the look of panic in their young, impressionable eyes.
Your child will also learn to walk. They need to get permission to do so. If they can't formulate the words, then they don't deserve to walk. Put them in a purse or large bag. Paris Hilton did it with her chihuahua, and that chihuahua looked grateful. Your child should be equally, if not more, grateful. Your child's first words shouldn't be "mama" or "papa." They should be "May I walk?" The answer should be "no." Remind them that they didn't say "please." When they ask again with "please" in it, explain that the decision was final, but they can appeal the decision after filling out several forms and getting them notarized by the appropriate authorities. It's never too early to teach your children the joys of bureaucracy.
Just remember. Your kids aren't going to remember any of this shit anyway. If they ask about this time, avoid the subject or just lie. Point at your woman's/ your vagina and remind them of the hell they wrought on it. It's never going to be the same. We all make sacrifices. Sometimes a sacrifice can be shutting the fuck up. Stop being selfish and be a team player. Ungrateful little shit.
NORMAL CHILDHOOD
Now, this is the time when they will actually remember shit. They can read and write. They may even be going to school. Try to get them into school as soon as possible. That's 8 hours that you don't have to be anywhere near them, thank God. This is not an easy time, however. You have to be strong and consistent. I am dividing this into two. One for boys and one for girls.
Boys
Boys should have minimal contact with their mothers. They can't become overly reliant on women. If he has to interact with his mother, make sure you/ your woman puts on a fake moustache. He must not be allowed to connect to anything feminine... unless you find out he's gay, then he can only spend time with his mother. If he is going to be gay, he must be fabulous. That little queer is going to go into acting and make you a shit ton of money. Value him over all of his siblings. Make sure he's really gay though. There's no money in pseudo-gays. Limit your family to only one gay son. Make him convert to Judaism to really raise his chances of making it in show biz.
Now don't confuse gay with trans. If you got yourself a trans daughter, scroll down to the girls part. She should be treated no differently than a girl.
Let's assume you have a typical cis-gendered heterosexual male son. As previously stated, limit his time with his mother. She should only acknowledge his existence once or twice a day but no more. His feelings should be non-existent. Not to say he doesn't have emotions, but he should never allow any one to know he has them. This includes happiness and anger. The only emotions that should be displayed are gratitude and subservience.
As his father, you should consistently remind him of his inferiority to you. He should already be keeping the maintenance of his foreskin case, but also make sure he stares at it for a solid half hour meditating on his subservient position to you. Regale him with the story of how you circumcised that little bastard.
You should shower with your son. (Not take baths. Baths are gay. Therefore, they are reserved for your gay son.) Make sure your son sees your massive dick. Really flaunt it. Remember to keep him at a distance from it. You don't want him noticing any flaws. Imprint in his mind that this is the biggest penis to ever exist. The mere mass of it will imprint in his memory for time en memorium. When you first start this, it will most likely be bigger than his head. No one can forget a dick bigger than their head. Try... You CAN'T.
Now, if you are unfortunate enough to have a micro-penis, then try to imprint that your son is the freak. Tell him that his penis is monstrous and abnormal. Tell him that his mother handled radioactive materials during her pregnancy and that's why he has such a freakish dick.
Maybe, your son brings you drawings from school or tries to impress you in any way. Maybe, he wants to gain your approval. Your approval is set aside for only one child, and that's your gay son. If it isn't your gay son, he will never get your approval. This is where you should show him your talents. If he shows you a drawing, draw a better picture right in front of him. Draw a better picture of you drawing a better picture with one hand drawing and the other flipping the bird. Is picture you wearing sunglasses? You better believe he's wearing sunglasses and they're bitchin'.
Did your son do well in school? Go to the school and get all the assignments the teacher gave out. Do them in front of him. Tell him that all the answers are right and it took you like five minutes to do it all. Remind him that not only is your dick bigger but so is your brain. Then tell him to run a lap around the house or else he won't get dinner.
At no point should your son hear the words "good" and "job" in the same sentence. The word "congratulations" should be foreign to him unless done in a sarcastic tone.
Maybe, you have two or more sons. Never favor any of them (unless one is gay). They may fight for your affection. The older one might bully the younger one. Give the younger one a knife if this happens. Then reprimand both of them. There's no reason to fight when both know they are equally inferior to you. Have them sit in silence while you flex your muscles shirtless in the living room for an hour. Don't break eye contact.
Once they are of age, show them how babies are made. Really get technical and descriptive as you demonstrate with your woman. You should do this in a cold monotone manner. Do not show joy. Also, do no let them look away as you violate the once-sacred entity that is their mother. Neither one of you should break eye contact. Remain silent in this exchange apart from your explanation. Grunts and moans are a sign of weakness and I assure you will be interpreted as such. End the demonstration by pulling out and ejaculating into an old-timey spittoon. Give your woman a firm handshake and a nod. Turn to your son and tell them that no woman would ever engage in this act with him due to his unworthiness. Have him run a lap around the house and give you 20 push-ups. When he finishes, have him sit down while you once again flex your muscles for an hour in complete naked silence.
Girls
So, you've got yourself a girl. Mazel tov. Girls are fundamentally different from boys in several ways. First, separate the trans sons from the daughters. Trans sons are raised like regular boys. Refer to the section above. Good. Now, second, are any of your daughters a lesbian. If you have a lesbian on your hands I'm sorry. They are not like gay sons. Lesbians cannot make you any money in Hollywood. There's only one successful one. That's Ellen. She's not going no where. It doesn't matter if your lesbian daughter is Jewish or not. She is effectively useless. Try to break even by pushing her towards the business world and being supportive of her choices. There's nothing to lose. It's not like she's going to produce grandchildren or a rich husband. She is going to have to be self-sufficient, so raise her as such. Never let her know how truly disappointed you are. I guess she'll have to settle for a "normal, loving childhood." Jesus, even typing that makes me nauseous.
So you should be left with the heterosexual, cis-gendered girls. Good. They will have one purpose in life: fetching a rich husband. This is the sole job of you women. Their father should never serve as an living example of how men should be. You don't want them having expectations. Expectations leads to difficulties finding a rich husband.
Constantly try to live vicariously through them. Always point out the defects of their father. Remind them that they don't want to end up like you. Dictate all your instructions while sitting on the couch and drinking wine. If you like to exercise and stay fit, never let your daughters see you do this. Constantly point out that they are too skinny or too fat. Suggest it's due to the food they eat. Never cook for them. You're not going to be the one cooking for their husbands and they know damn well how to read. They can figure out a recipe on their own.
Have them start making pastries like cookies and cakes. After eating it, tell them you now know why they are so fat. That should push them toward cooking healthy food.
Enter them in beauty pageants and purposefully sabotage them behind their backs. When they inevitably lose, blame them for all the problems in your life.
If they become even remotely interested in boys their own age, scare them out of it. Tell them that boys their age will lure them into rivers and drown them. Make sure your daughters never look into Irish folklore, especially in regards to the kelpie... they might start making connections.
This is a Kelpie. Guess what happens next?
Force images of handsome old men on them. This will widen your market for suitable husbands. Try to get them physically attracted to money. Every once in a while buy your daughter something nice. "Rent" it to her. When she can't pay the rent, take it away from her. Puppies and kitties are perfect for this. Really get her attached to it. Have her pick out a name and spend a solid month with it. Really make the connection between receiving unconditional affection and money.
When she gets her first period, this is when you can look for potential suitors. Make sure they offer a compensation for the loss of your daughter. Dinner isn't going to cook itself anymore after all. Check their financial records and get proof of pension/employment. The older the better. With any luck, the money you get for one of your daughters is enough to pay for your lesbian daughter's university tuition or your gay son's acting lessons.
ADDITIONAL ADVICE
Regardless of what you have (with the exception of a lesbian or gay son), never tell your children you love them. Make them really earn it. Once your sons finish university and get decent jobs or once your daughters get married to a suitable husband, then and only then can you say "I love you." It'll have them coming back for more. If questioned by their colleagues and friends or government authorities about the upbringing of your child, pause and imagine how your child's upbringing would be if they were gay/lesbian. Then, tell them that.
If you follow this to a tee, I assure you that your kids will be successful AND profitable, or your money back.
Also, only hug or hold your children when you have to fart. As soon as you hold them, let it rip. Make sure it is as loud as possible. This won't help anyone. I just am curious if you can "Pavlov" a child into making a connection between farts and physical parental affection.
