Lon's Guide to Dating: Part 2

... So as I mentioned in my previous post, I actually already wrote this one. However, the internet had other plans and erased all my hard work. FUCK YOU INTERNET!
Anyway, without any further ado...

The Second Part to Lon's Guide to Dating...

this one is for the ladies.

Step 1: Exist.

This is pretty straightforward since most men will copulate with anything with a pulse.

Step 2: What to wear.

For the love of God dress practical. You're pursuing the most dangerous game: man. Dress the FUCKING part. Heels? ARE YOU TRYING TO DIE?! Short-shorts? STOP! Throw away all those cute outfits! Sure, they are fashionable, but FASHIONABLE WILL GET YOU FUCKIN' KILLED! Have you ever had to square-off one-to-one with a cornered man-baby with a neckbeard and acne?! IT AIN'T FUCKIN' PRETTY!

Let's start from the bottom. Boots. No heel. Steel-toed is preferred. Real leather. AND YOU BETTER BE WEARING SOCKS!

Next: Pants. Nothing too loose. You don't want them getting snagged on something. Make sure they're thick too. They should be either black or brown.

Moving up: Long-sleeve shirt or preferably a tunic. What's a tunic?

This is a tunic.

Any dark color will suffice. Definitely use a belt. No one likes a saggy tunic.

Next: Padded/Leather Armor. This should look kinda like a coat... I'm sure I can give you a picture for a reference... um.... 

SHA-BLAMO!

 

Last: Just like the picture above, a hooded cloak will finish your outfit. Now to Step 3!

Step 3: Weaponry

Melee Weapons: Short sword, skinning knife (you'll thank me later), hachet

Ranged Weapons: Crossbow, about 20 bolts (the things you put in the crossbow... you're already disappointing me), javelin

Miscellaneous: Rope, several bear traps

Step 4: Pursuit

Now you are ready to pursue a man. Never wait for one to come to you. That's just asking for trouble. Despite what your well-intentioned mother/ friend/ aunt/ cousin/ talking dog/ ghost of Emily Bronte says, waiting is how people get killed. You are a huntress! ACT LIKE ONE GODDAMMIT!

First: Where the men at? You can find them everywhere. They have a distinct call. It is often heard in public areas such as bars and parks. "Hey, Bro! Hey, Bro!" or "Dude! Dude!"
Once you've spotted a herd of men, choose your prey. Will you go for the strongest of the pack? Or will you go for the old or weak?... That one is in a wheelchair... no... don't go for that one... Ok... that one is well into his 80s... are you taking this shit seriously?... that one is a chick who only has guy friends! This pack has been tainted by her presence. Find another pack.

Once you've chosen your target, keep your presence hidden. Keep in the bushes or a safe distance from him. Men can be skiddish. If he becomes alerted of your presence, retreat. Last thing you want is him approaching you. When he is alone, ready your crossbow and aim at one of his calves. This will reduce his chances of running away, but it is still nonlethal. When you have the shot lined up, fire.

Now, one out of two things has just happened. You either hit or miss. If you hit, emerge from your hiding spot and ready your sword and rope. Hogtie that bad boy and cart him off to your horse/ car/  motorcycle.

If you missed, there are couple of things you can still do. If he didn't hear/ see the shot, reload and shoot again. If he was alerted to your presence, either flee or fight. If you fight, you may have to chase the fucker down. Have your sword at the ready, but keep your javelin in hand. The javelin is really useful because you can throw it or you can use it as a short spear. Make sure to go for his legs. If you can disable his legs, capturing him will be easy. Be warned though. Be prepared for close quarters combat. Man is like any other animal. When cornered, he is at his most dangerous.

With any luck, you've got the bastard hogtied.

Step 5: The Date

Bring your hogtied lad to your favorite restaurant or a restaurant you've been dying to try. Make sure your man is bound and gagged. He shouldn't do any talking. Men should be seen, not heard. Make sure to tell him that. Talk to him about your dreams, feelings, day at work, that slut Karen, ex-boyfriends, any issues pertaining to your father, your allergy to left-handed mice, your crippling fear of that one Barenaked Ladies song that was really popular in the late 90s (the one that goes "IT'S BEEN..."). Anything and everything. Constantly remind him of how great a listener he is. Is he crying? Grab his face and gaze into his tear-filled eyes. Is he trying to look away? Shake his head violently until you two make eye contact. Lick the tears from his face. Savor the saltiness.

After you've finished your meal, take his wallet and pay for the meal with his money. CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD, GODDAMMIT! Before you see each other off, write down your name and number on a napkin. Shove it in his pocket. Now, with the skinning knife, cut his ropes. Watch him scurry off into the night.

With any luck, he'll call you within the next day or so. If not, oh well! Just find yourself another man. Happy Hunting!