Lon's Guide to Dating: Part 2

... So as I mentioned in my previous post, I actually already wrote this one. However, the internet had other plans and erased all my hard work. FUCK YOU INTERNET!
Anyway, without any further ado...

The Second Part to Lon's Guide to Dating...

this one is for the ladies.

Step 1: Exist.

This is pretty straightforward since most men will copulate with anything with a pulse.

Step 2: What to wear.

For the love of God dress practical. You're pursuing the most dangerous game: man. Dress the FUCKING part. Heels? ARE YOU TRYING TO DIE?! Short-shorts? STOP! Throw away all those cute outfits! Sure, they are fashionable, but FASHIONABLE WILL GET YOU FUCKIN' KILLED! Have you ever had to square-off one-to-one with a cornered man-baby with a neckbeard and acne?! IT AIN'T FUCKIN' PRETTY!

Let's start from the bottom. Boots. No heel. Steel-toed is preferred. Real leather. AND YOU BETTER BE WEARING SOCKS!

Next: Pants. Nothing too loose. You don't want them getting snagged on something. Make sure they're thick too. They should be either black or brown.

Moving up: Long-sleeve shirt or preferably a tunic. What's a tunic?

This is a tunic.

Any dark color will suffice. Definitely use a belt. No one likes a saggy tunic.

Next: Padded/Leather Armor. This should look kinda like a coat... I'm sure I can give you a picture for a reference... um.... 

SHA-BLAMO!

 

Last: Just like the picture above, a hooded cloak will finish your outfit. Now to Step 3!

Step 3: Weaponry

Melee Weapons: Short sword, skinning knife (you'll thank me later), hachet

Ranged Weapons: Crossbow, about 20 bolts (the things you put in the crossbow... you're already disappointing me), javelin

Miscellaneous: Rope, several bear traps

Step 4: Pursuit

Now you are ready to pursue a man. Never wait for one to come to you. That's just asking for trouble. Despite what your well-intentioned mother/ friend/ aunt/ cousin/ talking dog/ ghost of Emily Bronte says, waiting is how people get killed. You are a huntress! ACT LIKE ONE GODDAMMIT!

First: Where the men at? You can find them everywhere. They have a distinct call. It is often heard in public areas such as bars and parks. "Hey, Bro! Hey, Bro!" or "Dude! Dude!"
Once you've spotted a herd of men, choose your prey. Will you go for the strongest of the pack? Or will you go for the old or weak?... That one is in a wheelchair... no... don't go for that one... Ok... that one is well into his 80s... are you taking this shit seriously?... that one is a chick who only has guy friends! This pack has been tainted by her presence. Find another pack.

Once you've chosen your target, keep your presence hidden. Keep in the bushes or a safe distance from him. Men can be skiddish. If he becomes alerted of your presence, retreat. Last thing you want is him approaching you. When he is alone, ready your crossbow and aim at one of his calves. This will reduce his chances of running away, but it is still nonlethal. When you have the shot lined up, fire.

Now, one out of two things has just happened. You either hit or miss. If you hit, emerge from your hiding spot and ready your sword and rope. Hogtie that bad boy and cart him off to your horse/ car/  motorcycle.

If you missed, there are couple of things you can still do. If he didn't hear/ see the shot, reload and shoot again. If he was alerted to your presence, either flee or fight. If you fight, you may have to chase the fucker down. Have your sword at the ready, but keep your javelin in hand. The javelin is really useful because you can throw it or you can use it as a short spear. Make sure to go for his legs. If you can disable his legs, capturing him will be easy. Be warned though. Be prepared for close quarters combat. Man is like any other animal. When cornered, he is at his most dangerous.

With any luck, you've got the bastard hogtied.

Step 5: The Date

Bring your hogtied lad to your favorite restaurant or a restaurant you've been dying to try. Make sure your man is bound and gagged. He shouldn't do any talking. Men should be seen, not heard. Make sure to tell him that. Talk to him about your dreams, feelings, day at work, that slut Karen, ex-boyfriends, any issues pertaining to your father, your allergy to left-handed mice, your crippling fear of that one Barenaked Ladies song that was really popular in the late 90s (the one that goes "IT'S BEEN..."). Anything and everything. Constantly remind him of how great a listener he is. Is he crying? Grab his face and gaze into his tear-filled eyes. Is he trying to look away? Shake his head violently until you two make eye contact. Lick the tears from his face. Savor the saltiness.

After you've finished your meal, take his wallet and pay for the meal with his money. CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD, GODDAMMIT! Before you see each other off, write down your name and number on a napkin. Shove it in his pocket. Now, with the skinning knife, cut his ropes. Watch him scurry off into the night.

With any luck, he'll call you within the next day or so. If not, oh well! Just find yourself another man. Happy Hunting! 

An Update

So, Ramadan ended last week. So I'm officially back. In fact, I wrote Part 2 of my guide to dating... BUT THEN THIS FUCKIN' THING DIDN'T SAVE IT AND I HAVE TO WRITE IT ALL OVER AGAIN!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 

So, I kinda don't have any steam for this week, but I GOTTA KEEP CONSISTENT.

I don't even think I'm gonna post this on Facebook.... meh....

Almost forgot to do this

As the title suggests, I almost forgot to write this week. I always write on Monday, but this Monday I totally spaced it. I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN, DEAR READERS!

That being said, I'm phoning it in again.

Look, Ramadan is almost finished. There's only a couple of days left. It's weird because I'm so used to fasting. When Ramadan is over, you feel almost guilty eating and drinking during the day that first day. Then, you get used to it and return to your shitty lifestyle.

Y'know, I kinda treat Ramadan like a New Year's sort of thing. It's my chance to start new things that are better for my life. I guess I make resolutions, and much like New Year's resolutions, I take it as an opportunity to disappoint myself in new and creative ways.

So, random thing, but I have a callous on top of my left foot. I've had it for some time now, but I couldn't figure out why it was there and why there wasn't one on my right foot. I thought it was just my shoes, but if that were the case, I'd have one on my right foot too. Then, it hit me. It's from praying (the Muslim kind, not the normal "talk to God" and so forth one). So, let me explain this to my non-Muslim readers...

Muslims pray five times a day. As I've said before in other posts, I am a Shi'a Muslim (12er/ Ja'fari) so I'm gonna explain ours. It's basically the same as Sunni prayers with a few differences.

The first prayer is before sunrise (I usually do this one late when it isn't Ramadan... I know... bad Muslim). This is made of two rak'a... and a rak'a is basically a "round." Just hear me out. So, you start by putting down your prayer mat facing Mecca and putting down a tablet of clay where your forehead will touch the ground (this is a Shi'a thing). Now you face Mecca. You put your hands near your ears and think "I offer this prayer of Fajr (morning prayer) of rak'atain (2 rak'at) to gain closeness to God." Then, looking at the clay tablet, you say "Allahu Akbar." Now the fun begins.

So one rak'a starts with reciting two surahs while standing. A surah is like a chapter from the Qur'an. The first one is always Fatiha which is the first surah of the Qur'an. It's gotta be in Arabic too. All of this is in Arabic. Anyway, you then recite another surah of your choice. I always do Ikhlas. It isn't too long. After your two surahs, you say "allahu akbar" and then bow. Now if you're like me, you just say "subhanallah" three times while bowing. That just means "Glory be to God." There are other things to say... but I don't speak Arabic and this is the easiest to remember. Then you rise and say "sami'allahu liman hamidah" which means "God listens to those who praise him." You say "allahu akbar" and then you get down on the ground on your knees. This is where you bow and put your forehead on the tablet. Again, three subhanallah's with your head down and you rise to a kneeling position. Now, we Shi'a keep our feet tucked under us with our right on top of the left. THIS IS WHERE THE CALLOUS COMES FROM. You say "allahu akbar"... pause/ say something like "god forgive me for my sins"... "allahu akbar" again and go back to putting that forehead of yours on some clay.

And that's one rak'a. You stand up and do it again. Now there's a few differences in the last rak'a of a prayer and a couple of more differences, but you get the gist.

"But Lon!" I hear you say. "Why does it need to be in Arabic?"

Good question. These are NOT normal prayers where you talk to God and ask for stuff like lotto numbers or an potential spouse or meaning to your sad, pitiful existence. Muslims have those prayers too. And they can be in any language. The five daily prayers have a different purpose. They are a reminder of your obligation to God and the connection you have to God. It's kinda like an agreement you make as a Muslim. The same goes for fasting during Ramadan. It's purpose is to keep you constantly connected with God and humbled.

And that's how I got my foot callous.

Hopefully, some of you learned something. Oh, and I didn't translate Allah to mean Allah because Allah is just God in Arabic.

Also, if you have Arab friends, they say "wallah" or "wallahi" a lot. There is no "probably" about this. They do it. That just means "I swear to God." If you want to pretend to be Arab, you need to say this about 3 times in a minute of normal conversation to pass for being Arab. Wallahi them the rules... see what I did there.

Quick Update

Yeah, guys. I'm phoning this shit in this week. I only got like one more week or so of Ramadan, so hold on to your panties.

I'm pretty impressed with myself though. I have been consistent as hell. I mean, the quality has dramatically plummeted but just look at that consistency.

So, I learn a couple of new things every Ramadan. This Ramadan, I learned that Sunnis and Shi'a don't break their fast at the same time. That means I hear the call to prayer blare throughout the city and watch as my fellow Muslims break their fast, but I get to wait 10 more minutes or so to break mine. You guys in non-Muslim countries are so lucky. You don't get Ramadan "blue balls."

Also, I need to eat more fiber. I feel like I'm slowly filling up with poo that won't come out.

That visual... ah... you're welcome.

So, I'll be finishing those two Part 1 posts in the coming weeks. Plus, I got some ideas from some other posts for you guys. And yes, I usually plan these posts in advance... which is so sad.

Anyway, I'll be back next week.