I'm not sure why this exists... but I'm glad it does
So... we had two mass shootings in the States. I mean, I live in Turkey... so... we shot down a Russian plane and said it crossed into Turkish territory... I mean it didn't, but we say it did. You know... because of a certain person in the government being involved with buying ISIS/Da'esh/Da'ouche-Bag oil...
Erdoğan right now to Putin
(Spoiler Alert: He totally is buying that oil.)
I hope to God they don't deport me...
But, back to the US mass shootings... YAY!
Now, I'm not saying the San Bernardino shooting wasn't an act of terrorism, but bear with me here... a ultra-right white man shoots up a Planned Parenthood, and that doesn't qualify the title 'terrorist?' Come on, people. He tried really hard; he should at least get a slight nod that we might consider him a terrorist. We even call that one guy who tried to sneak an underwear bomb on a plane a terrorist, and he didn't kill a single person... if anything, all he was terrorizing was fashion. The gays are furious.
"On my sthignal, unleash hell, girls!"
Anyway, so I was eating breakfast the other day... well, yesterday... but that's an other day by definition. Fuck you. I teach English... where was I? Oh yeah, so I start every morning with some plain yogurt mixed with jam and honey (yeah, are your nipples hard yet?) and some toast with margarine and honey. So, I gotta be 100% real with you guys... that shit is fuckin' amazing, especially the toast. Unfortunately for my American readers, the food you eat isn't really food. Sorry, guys. Come over here to Turkey. Eat the food. Bring some tissue. It's okay if you cry... it's like that one scene in the Matrix when Neo awakens in the real world, but instead of seeing a shitty distopian hellscape, your taste buds will be escaping the nightmare, only to realize that your visa expires in 3 months and you must return to the land where men shit in jars and label it "organic tapioca." I'm not even going to bother googling for an image to use as filler in between paragraphs...
So, instead, think about this!
If you're reading this just reflect that at one point, your father's penis has been in mother's mouth. Remember all those good night kisses. Yeah. DICK GERMS! Let that sit... much like your father's penis did in your mother's mouth. Right now, you're probably envying those who are adopted. You may be asking why you would envy the adopted... (cool band name, by the way: Envy the Adopted)... As long as they don't have siblings that came out of their adopted mother, there is no physical evidence that any sort of sexual activity has occurred between their two parents. Even if they have physically seen their parents perform coitus (using technical terms makes this so much worse... I'm reveling in this), it could have been an illusion. They don't know. Their adopted parents could have been magicians before adopting. They will never know, will they? I know my parents weren't magicians. I was an egg in my mom and a sperm in my dad's balls, so in a sense, I would know if they were magicians or illusionists because I WAS THERE!
Anyway, so back to my breakfast... honey... honey... delicious, nutritious (it is actually very nutritious, believe it or not... no, I'm serious. This isn't a joke. Dammit, I'm the boy-who-cried-wolf.), amazing. Here's the problem... it comes from an animal. As does yogurt... but yogurt can sit down and shut the fuck up right now, can't he? Fuckin' right... You goddamn fuckin' right!
This leads me to my logical question... can vegans eat honey? I know they aren't technically animals (vegans... not bees. Bees are totally animals.). Since vegans don't eat byproducts of animals (Bee spit is totally in honey; stop pretending you don't know.), do they deny themselves the magic that is honey. I wonder if there are some vegans that try to justify their consumption of honey. To those vegans, HONEY IS FUCKIN' MURDER! How do you live with yourself?
Anyway, I've always had a problem with vegans. Not because they are usually self-righteous middle-to-upper class white people... I mean, it doesn't help... but I have a problem with them because their choice is due to really one out of two reasons. Either they really FUCKIN' love animals and/or the environment or they do it out of health reasons. So for those who do it for animals... eh, yeah, whatever... as for the environment, wanna know what will also help the environment? Fuckin' regulating big agriculture and the meat industry. Want to know why meat is so unhealthy? Maybe, it's because what you have in America isn't really meat. Maybe, it's because the industry can dye and bleach the meat. I don't know. Maybe, it's the hormones jammed up that poor steer's ass during its miserable life. The real problem is that the people who can make substantial political change *ahem* white middle-to-upper class *ahem* always focus on "personal choices." "I'll be vegan because it isn't socially or environmentally responsible." Well, that's nice, but what about us poor folks that can't walk to the nearest Whole Foods? And what about GMOs? And what about corporate transparency in an industry that people need to survive? What about a comprehensive list of government standards? Why is shitty food so cheap, and why do people who make shitty food get government subsidies? Bet you never asked those questions... no, you were too busy thinking about soy. You wanna be responsible? How about you organize some shit and start demanding reform from the government because- let's get serious- the government doesn't listen to white trash, spics, and niggers. Juuuuuust saying.
Holy shit... that all came outta left field. I was not planning a rant.
Where was I? Ummm... this is awkward now. I need to close this out...
Honey to Dick Germs and back to honey, amazing!
ReplyDelete