I need to come up with a catchy title...

Okay, so let me start off with this... I have this odd theme that reoccurs in my dreams... I know, I know... I won't describe in depth what happened in my dreams because that's stupid. There's only a few exceptions to this (and no, you're not one of these exceptions), but no one wants to hear what happened in your fuckin' dream. Anyway, back to my dreams... the odd theme is rattlesnakes hiding throughout my house or just tons of rattlesnakes in the streets. Luckily, I usually have a machete close by... in the dream. I couldn't bring my machete to Turkey. I feel less Puerto Rican without it, but it's awkward justifying to airport security why I'm carrying a dull hunk of metal.

Possibly the most Puerto Rican thing other than...

Yep... that's super Puerto Rican... shit, I want plátanos...

 Anyway... ummm... I don't think I'm afraid of rattlesnakes. It's not like a nightmare. It's more of a quest that doesn't have any pay off besides... you know... dead rattlesnakes. Weird...

So, I've been going full-tilt boogie into Turkish (people still say full-tilt boogie, right?). So, there's good news for would-be residents of Turkey; it's not a difficult language... sorta. They have some German-sized words because of how the language is (It's agglutinative. I know what you're thinking... no, it doesn't have gluten in it.). I might as well learn it though. Shit, no one here speaks English, and it's hard enough getting a girlfriend when you're only game is staring intently, licking your lips, and pointing at your penis. Grunting aggressively, believe it or not, doesn't go well (weird, I know).

  

You know how they say "speak of the devil, and he appears." Weeeeeeell...

The girl appeared. She appeared with vengeance. I mean... not vengefully. I kinda just like using the word "vengeance" because it seems like it belongs in a sequel, and I picture my life as a series of box-office failing movies. 

Anyway, I was thinking earlier today, "you know, she doesn't want me to see her right now. if she wanted me to see her, she'd just show up." Less than an hour later... Poof... there she was.

My guess, her other guy finally decided to drop her (ehhhhhhh, probably not), or she just means to use me to make him jealous. Some girls love the drama. Meh. 

She must not know who I am.

Look, I can forgive. Not so much about forgetting quite yet. And why should I? That shit was last month! Wait... I'm going to pretend like I'm actually checking...

While you wait for me to pretend-look...

I laughed so hard that my dick hurt

Yeah, it was last month... anyway, so there she is... just standing there. Waiting for me. Staring (and not in a creepy way... God, I really wished it was a creepy way). At first, it took me a second to register who the fuck it was, then I got that drop in my stomach. Don't worry... I didn't poop myself. In fact, once I collected myself (it took half a second), I halted my shaking and just greeted her like nothing happened between us. Yeah, I know it's a game, but that's how it has to be sometimes. I don't like games. They're stupid, but if everyone is playing and you refuse, you don't end up being above it all... you just end up being really bad at the game. It's like football (American football... not soccer... I mean football... I mean... GOD DAMMIT, AMERICA! WHY DO WE EVEN CALL OUR FOOTBALL FOOTBALL?! WE DON'T PLAY IT WITH OUR FEET!). Sure, you can be like, "Nah, bruh. I ain't playing that shit," but you're on the field and they are still gonna tackle yo ass (I know, it's technically "your ass," but it makes me think that they are actually just tackling your butt... and that's weird and not at all what I'm saying. Your ass is not being singled out and tackled.). 

When you live outside of America, games are a must. Sure, there are people who don't play games here, but I'm kinda limited in finding them on account of my work schedule and my crippling inability to speak Turkish. Moving on... suffice to say, I played well. She wasn't expecting it. How do I know? Her wide-eyed look like I caught her off guard. You know how you play a scenario in your head, especially with someone you like or love or close to? Sometimes you just a little off, but you can rebound and adapt. She did not expect any of what I did. She didn't expect me to smile and ask her where she had disappeared to since the last time I saw her (about a week ago).  During this, I had to fight the temptation to boop her nose while she stared silently at me in shock. (I shoulda done it... my one regret.) Then, I told her that I had to work, but if she wanted to talk to me she should just text me. "You still have my number in your phone. Just text me. Tamam mı?" (Okay? in Turkish... which blew her fucking mind that I said it so casually).

I believe we call that the Bait-and-Switch... actually... I have no idea if that is a definition of a Bait-and-Switch... I think it has to do with fishing... I could be wrong... I'm probably wrong... fuck fishing.

Do I really want her to text me? Yeah, but again, this is a game. It's her move. I just gotta wait. She came to me and expected me to be putty in her hands. Part of me has closure already. She's become predictable. So, let's rewind a little bit... *rewind sound*... *hang my head in shame of being so lame*...

The dude she was messing with is... uhhhhh "preoccupied" but is also a Turkish coworker of mine. So, right on. She told him about me and her. Why? Because games, dude. Pay fuckin' attention. Now, she is still totally a love addict, but now that I know that, it's a lot easier to predict her. So, dude-buddy-mc-casserole decides to drop her the first time at the same time I freaked out. Now, there wasn't any animosity between me and dude-dude-magrude. We weren't buddy-buddy to begin with, but he was really awkward around me. It began to ease recently when he knew I didn't hate him... until about a week ago when I saw her again. And wouldn't you know, it was obvious. I saw him the day before then, and the shame was on his face. I knew what was up before I even saw that she was in our side of town again. Tsk Tsk Motherfuckin' Tsk.

Dr. Who is giving me a major Sonic Screwdriver

It was like that all week. The guilt, the shame, all of it written on his face until yesterday. His face was relieved. Of course, he broke things off with her again. Guy is SERIOUSLY "preoccupied," cough cough nudge nudge tickle tickle... wink... this is awkward now.

Anyway, that leads us to why I was thinking "if she wants me to see here, and she will show herself."

Ta-dah. Predictable now. Sooooo, I'll probably just level with my coworker. I don't want him caught off guard; plus, this is part of the game. Confused yet? Good. To my non-white readership... you guys probably know what I'm talking about. You gotta be tactile about this shit. I know, I know... you probably hate this shit just as much as I do, but it's how it is. To my white readership, things can be socially complicated within cultural dynamics. Here... have some saltines. Shhhh... calm down. Who's my big boy? You are!

Yes, You are! Yes, You are!

So, what's the goal? To cut through all the bullshit. Clear and simple. She is going to try to convince me to take her back. It's a win-win for her. She pisses off dude-coworker-Turkalot (and may get him back), and she has me if it doesn't work out (hopefully, with me none-the-wiser). I'm not too crazy about those outcomes. All I want is to end things cordially or as close as I can get it to that. And dude-buds-fignewton is just trying to survive and not fuck his own asshole.

Now, there is only one hitch in my plan that can ruin everything... Can you guess what it is?

Yep, my penis.

Surprise.

I don't feel like finding a picture so this will have to do...

<===3

Is your mouth watering yet? Good.

I can already hear it talking to me... "Yo man, I get it. She did you wrong, but you can do some crushing." "Yo, maybe you can make her a 'special buddy.' Just keep her in line or don't get all caught up with feelings and shit."

You have no idea how appealing those ideas are. I mean, if you're a guy, it's not hard to imagine... I guess, it's pretty easy to have a semblance of an idea of how appealing those ideas are. I don't know why I assumed I was special... Meh.

So, hopefully, I play this right... Oh and I saw Star Wars. IT WAS EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED AND MORE! PEW PEW! FWOOO FWOOO! 

I think I'll write about Star Wars next week. Yeah, that'll be good.

Another one of these is due right around now...

It's that time of the week again. Yep, that's right! Blog update time!... You didn't know that was a thing, did you? Well, it is... I know, you're busy, but-... Okay, I understand...

Should I do a weekly update of my week (guess what? nothing happened.) or just ramble on for the sake of rambling.

Can you guess which one?

But, what to ramble about? Middle East politics? Racial and gender equality? Civil rights? Historical inaccuracies? The magic of Turkish toilets?

Well, maybe all of them... I don't know. I'm kinda just writing at this point.

So, I have this private student. She is a journalist, who is now unemployed because of criticizing the government. If you think that is harsh, I want you to stop. You don't think that happens in America? Hell, you don't think that happens in the West, in general? How many journalists at major newspapers or media sources do you see/read openly criticizing Israel (not their actions in war, but their government policies) and offering a one-state solution? I'll wait...

Did you find any? Probably not. Here's another one... no one in America heard about this leaked phone call between Assistant Secretary of State for Europe Victoria Nuland and the American Ambassador to Ukraine Geoffrey Pyatt. This came out before the "revolution" (coup, in reality) in Ukraine. They are planning who will take power, which is a bit odd because neither of them is Ukrainian nor should have any say in said matters. So, Ukraine gets a new government after what is obviously a CIA or other American-backed coup of a sovereign, democratic nation, and the media immediately focuses on Russia's actions. Then, we have some woman quit RT (Russia Today) on air because she can no longer lie to the American people... Really? Where were the people quitting on air during the Iraq War? Every media outlet lied to the American people. What happened after she quit? It was all over the other outlets, aiming to discredit RT, which is the only news outlet that Americans have access to that gives an actual opposing view to the mainstream media. It doesn't fall in line as it should; just like al-Jazeera didn't fall in line with the Iraq War story. Don't worry, al-Jazeera is now back in line with the rest, but not so much with RT. God bless RT.

Come on, America! He's out-American'ing us!

 

So, moving on, I love this student in particular because, although her English skills are limited, her brilliance transcends the language barrier. There is one topic that I somewhat disagree with her with. That is the topic of feminism.

Now, I want it to be known... I am a feminist. However, there are many types of feminists. Unfortunately, the ones paraded around nowadays are what we call "Tumblr feminists." These sorts are always going on about "microaggressions" and "triggers." I don't have time for that shit. It's closed-minded and totalitarian. I'm only interested in political, social, and economic equality... well, I mean, I'm for more than just that, but whatever... moving on...

At the same time, there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to issues regarding feminism... unless it's my penis. And let me tell you... it ain't no "micro" aggression.

I have many feminist friends back in Atlanta, and they come from a wide variety of cultures and religions. All of them are strong and independent. None of them really give two shits about trivial things like "microaggressions" because the problem isn't the behavior of individuals; it is a cultural problem. Two of these women come to mind, both are Muslim. Yes, they also wear hijab (one doesn't anymore, and I respect her decision either way). You see, what some feminist groups don't get is that feminism doesn't manifest in one way. Yes, if a Muslim girl is forced to wear hijab, then by all means stand with her, but understand, too, that some choose to wear it. The purpose of feminism isn't to "liberate" all women individually. Just like with other civil rights causes, the end goal is to establish a system that gives women equal opportunity to success, choice, and happiness. People will complain and say they get special treatment, but equality and fairness are not "everyone gets the same thing." How is that equal or fair? 

Give two families $1000 a month. One is a middle-class, two-parent family, and the other is working-class, single-parent family. The first family doesn't necessarily need the $1000. It's still nice, but  not much changes. For the working-class family, that $1000 is rent, food, a car payment, etc. That's one less extra job, that's having the ability to pick your child from school, that's enlisting your kid in extracurricular activities, etc. Hell, it may even be the extra cash you need to go to further education. Who knows. Even though the two families got the same treatment, it isn't equal. It is totally based on need. One family needs it more than the other. Women need certain things men don't. Whether it is affordable (in some cases, free) feminine hygiene products, birth control, and OB/GYN visits, or mandatory-paid maternity leave, women need to have these options available to them in society, so that they can be truly equal. And don't pull some Social Darwinian bullshit. 

Look, I'm Muslim, and despite what other Muslims (ahem... Saudis) may say, I can find just as much evidence (if not more) for these kind of reforms than I can for dominating over women. For me, the message is clear: As a man, I am supposed to care for women and guard their rights from oppression or usurpation. I'm not saying that men and women are the same. We don't necessarily have the same roles. I am saying we are equal, and as equals, I need to guard that equality. 

I'm not calling for shari'a; that's a different matter all together. I want secular change in law and in our cultures that guarantee women's equality and support women in case of infractions made against them. Simple, right? 

So, that's about all I got for now. Yay!

weekly commentary commencing... in 3... 2... 1...

A lot has happened in the last week... I think the last time I wrote was a week ago. It's been a blur. Winter came to Turkey, and now, I have a stuffy nose. Oddly enough... this impairs my thinking. I'm not a scientist, so it may all be in my head... What the fuck am I talking about? I have a blog! Nothing is just in my head! EVERYTHING I SAY IS FACT!!!

I'm not sure why this exists... but I'm glad it does

So... we had two mass shootings in the States. I mean, I live in Turkey... so... we shot down a Russian plane and said it crossed into Turkish territory... I mean it didn't, but we say it did. You know... because of a certain person in the government being involved with buying ISIS/Da'esh/Da'ouche-Bag oil...

Erdoğan right now to Putin

(Spoiler Alert: He totally is buying that oil.)

I hope to God they don't deport me... 

But, back to the US mass shootings... YAY!

Now, I'm not saying the San Bernardino shooting wasn't an act of terrorism, but bear with me here... a ultra-right white man shoots up a Planned Parenthood, and that doesn't qualify the title 'terrorist?' Come on, people. He tried really hard; he should at least get a slight nod that we might consider him a terrorist. We even call that one guy who tried to sneak an underwear bomb on a plane a terrorist, and he didn't kill a single person... if anything, all he was terrorizing was fashion. The gays are furious.

"On my sthignal, unleash hell, girls!"

Anyway, so I was eating breakfast the other day... well, yesterday... but that's an other day by definition. Fuck you. I teach English... where was I? Oh yeah, so I start every morning with some plain yogurt mixed with jam and honey (yeah, are your nipples hard yet?) and some toast with margarine and honey. So, I gotta be 100% real with you guys... that shit is fuckin' amazing, especially the toast. Unfortunately for my American readers, the food you eat isn't really food. Sorry, guys. Come over here to Turkey. Eat the food. Bring some tissue. It's okay if you cry... it's like that one scene in the Matrix when Neo awakens in the real world, but instead of seeing a shitty distopian hellscape, your taste buds will be escaping the nightmare, only to realize that your visa expires in 3 months and you must return to the land where men shit in jars and label it "organic tapioca." I'm not even going to bother googling for an image to use as filler in between paragraphs...

So, instead, think about this!
If you're reading this just reflect that at one point, your father's penis has been in mother's mouth. Remember all those good night kisses. Yeah. DICK GERMS! Let that sit... much like your father's penis did in your mother's mouth. Right now, you're probably envying those who are adopted. You may be asking why you would envy the adopted... (cool band name, by the way: Envy the Adopted)... As long as they don't have siblings that came out of their adopted mother, there is no physical evidence that any sort of sexual activity has occurred between their two parents. Even if they have physically seen their parents perform coitus (using technical terms makes this so much worse... I'm reveling in this), it could have been an illusion. They don't know. Their adopted parents could have been magicians before adopting. They will never know, will they? I know my parents weren't magicians. I was an egg in my mom and a sperm in my dad's balls, so in a sense, I would know if they were magicians or illusionists because I WAS THERE!

Anyway, so back to my breakfast... honey... honey... delicious, nutritious (it is actually very nutritious, believe it or not... no, I'm serious. This isn't a joke. Dammit, I'm the boy-who-cried-wolf.), amazing. Here's the problem... it comes from an animal. As does yogurt... but yogurt can sit down and shut the fuck up right now, can't he? Fuckin' right... You goddamn fuckin' right!

This leads me to my logical question... can vegans eat honey? I know they aren't technically animals (vegans... not bees. Bees are totally animals.). Since vegans don't eat byproducts of animals (Bee spit is totally in honey; stop pretending you don't know.), do they deny themselves the magic that is honey. I wonder if there are some vegans that try to justify their consumption of honey. To those vegans, HONEY IS FUCKIN' MURDER! How do you live with yourself?

Anyway, I've always had a problem with vegans. Not because they are usually self-righteous middle-to-upper class white people... I mean, it doesn't help... but I have a problem with them because their choice is due to really one out of two reasons. Either they really FUCKIN' love animals and/or the environment or they do it out of health reasons. So for those who do it for animals... eh, yeah, whatever... as for the environment, wanna know what will also help the environment? Fuckin' regulating big agriculture and the meat industry. Want to know why meat is so unhealthy? Maybe, it's because what you have in America isn't really meat. Maybe, it's because the industry can dye and bleach the meat. I don't know. Maybe, it's the hormones jammed up that poor steer's ass during its miserable life. The real problem is that the people who can make substantial political change *ahem* white middle-to-upper class *ahem* always focus on "personal choices." "I'll be vegan because it isn't socially or environmentally responsible." Well, that's nice, but what about us poor folks that can't walk to the nearest Whole Foods? And what about GMOs? And what about corporate transparency in an industry that people need to survive? What about a comprehensive list of government standards? Why is shitty food so cheap, and why do people who make shitty food get government subsidies? Bet you never asked those questions... no, you were too busy thinking about soy. You wanna be responsible? How about you organize some shit and start demanding reform from the government because- let's get serious- the government doesn't listen to white trash, spics, and niggers. Juuuuuust saying.

Holy shit... that all came outta left field. I was not planning a rant.


Where was I? Ummm... this is awkward now. I need to close this out...