I'm Back with Vengeance

Hey, motherfuckers!

I'm back, bitches!

This post is a little late... I mean, I didn't say this was going to be a weekly thing, but yeah... it's a weekly thing. So, what has happened in a week? 

Well, I'm going to say not a lot... but I think a lot has happened. I could be wrong... We'll see, won't we. (Yeeeeeeth Weeeeeee Wiiiiiii-uhll)

COMMENCE SPARKLAGE!

Wow... that last gif (pronounced gif as in gift because fuck you, that's why) doesn't make any sense. It's a complete different train of thought... It's kinda distracting. Eh, whatever...

Maybe, I'm just avoiding talking about my week. I know what I want to talk about... but I'm going to hold back. Keep you guys wanting a little more. 

So, fuck health insurance companies. I purchased some international health insurance, only to find out that they don't cover preexisting conditions... which kinda makes my health insurance useless. I live in a country with socialized, affordable healthcare... Why the fuck would I pay these schmucks to go to a private hospital just to find out that they don't cover anything at the private hospital. I mean... it's fucking useless. So, I'm tempted not to pay them shit, but whatever... I'll uphold my part of the agreement because I don't want to deal with them. FUCK CIGNA INTERNATIONAL HEALTH INSURANCE. Hopefully, this gets a few hits when someone googles them.

Fuck them for real though... in their collective Scottish asses. Just Cigna... I am by no means condoning ass-fucking the Scottish. Only the Scottish involved in Cigna. I mean, if there are people that aren't Scottish who work for them, fuck them too. The company is just located in Scotland, so it should go without saying that most of them will be Scottish... Dress up like a sheep, they might enjoy the fuck is all I'm saying.

Yep... kinda like that

I should check if I still owe them money... eh...

Anyway, other than that, I don't think much happened... I've been spending some time with the girl, so you can stop asking if I'm gay, Dad! (note: I can't recall my dad ever suspecting me of being gay... but he totally thought I had Asperger's because I memorized the Arabic alphabet in a week. The only reason I found out was that my littlest sister told me that he had confided his suspicion to her. Apparently, my intrigue into Semitic languages places me on the autism spectrum... Way to go, me)

I might put a picture of the girl up here... I don't know though... what if we break up and I'm all like "SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE! SHE BROKE MY HEART!" and I do an ugly cry (the one where you make like a full frown with your mouth open and snot and spit are flowing down with the tears)? I mean... she could also google her own pictures like a crazy person (yes, only crazy people do this... stop doing this.)... I don't know, I'm still trying to feel her out... and fill her up (SUPER WINKY FACE, MOTHERFUCKER)

I know what you thinking... "super winky face? what's that?" Essentially, it's an Asian guy winking and grinning... let's see if the gods of Google will provide.

"Wait... that doesn't make sense." RACISM DOESN'T HAVE TO!

What's really fucked up is that some of you were totally like "Oh, a winking Asian guy... yeah, I guess that would be a super winky face..."

Where was I? Wait... did I go through all that because of one sexual innuendo? one moment... yep... yes, I did.

Did I mention I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a degree in History? Yeah? That's terrifying isn't it. 

Okay, so, today (Saturday) and yesterday, I went to the Asian side of Istanbul (no, it isn't like Chinatown...) to see my old professor from university. Since I keep everyone basically anonymous on here... except for Mo... hey, Mo... I'm gonna assign him a name... that name is Operation Balkan Boom-Boom (OB3 for short... if this catches on, I might achieve literal orgasm in my pants).

So, OB3 was in Istanbul for a Ottoman history conference, a conference that I went to... I don't know if I was allowed to, but if you shove an American passport in every security guard's face and shout loud enough, you'll get by just fine. I didn't do that, but I want to know if it works. If it does, try it again, but this time act belligerently drunk. 

boooorn in the USAAAAAAA!

Anyway, he had a good time. It was nice to see OB3, again. It was a little weird that it was halfway across the world the last time I saw him... Weeeeeeird

He was taking pictures of the food to piss off Mo. A man after my own heart... Hey, Mo.

We caught up, and unlike all the other times, I didn't go all fan boy with OB3 (I kinda did that a lot back when he was my professor...). I blew his mind when I told him about the Metro line that goes under the Marmara Sea. I also got a free meal out of this... I was most pleased. Most pleased.

Now, I gotta wait for some of you motherfuckers back in the States to come visit me. I'm not gonna beg. No really, I'm not. If you want to go your whole life stuck over that side of the Atlantic, good luck with that. You have no idea how much you're missing. 

My students are often in shock when I tell them that the reason I came to Turkey is simply because it isn't the US. Every day, I am reminded why I left and why I won't be returning. Turkey is by no means perfect. Let's get that straight. It has its share of corruption, lack of porn, problems, and lack of porn... but despite its problems and crippling lack of porn, it makes up for it with a wonderful, simple life. Plus, the women here are, like, stupid hot. And yes, there is crazy variety, too. Redheads, brunettes, blondes, pale, dark, olive, round eyes, almond eyes, big butts, little butts, big boobs, little boobs, curves, thin ones, and so on... I miss black people though... 

I miss you too, man

I mean, Istanbul has black people... but they're like African... I miss African Americans (you know, the ones that aren't from Africa, but we just call them African Americans because we want to make sure they don't ever get comfortable being full Americans... you know... like white people.).

So, tune in next week when I have more time to review my friend Adam's first video and create a video of my own. Will it have my penis in it? No... no, it will not. 

Watch me lose half my readership because I refuse to put my penis in front of a webcam. "Well, why the fuck am I reading this then if I'm not gonna see some Puerto Rican guy's cock and balls? God, I guess I've gotta go back to sniffing propane in the garage and jerking off to pictures of Gonzo from the Muppets."

Get it... his face looks like genitals