It's been almost two weeks here...

Ah yes, two weeks here in Turkey. Hopefully, none of you fuckers have forgotten me. So now, I guess I should give you some advice or information about living in Turkey or traveling the world. Well, fear not, my darlings. Papa (yes, that's what I called myself) has some answers.

Toilets.

Let that sink in. You're probably like "What the fuck does he mean, 'toilets?'" Shut your face, and listen.

Toilets here are nothing short of spectacular. You see, they have little fountains in the back of the bowl... and no, you can't shit on the fountain. Unless you have a really protruded and crooked anus, you can't shit on the fountain spout. Why would you want to do that anyway. God, typical you!

So, there is a nob on the wall next to the toilet that hooks up to a hose that, in turn, hooks up to the toilet. This nob is your friend.

Now, I don't care if you're straight or gay or bisexual or sexually attracted to turtles. When a jet of water shoots you in the anus, you sit there and enjoy it. YOU ENJOY IT HARD, GODDAMMIT! You know those dookies that are infinity wipers. Ladies, I'll allow you to plea the fifth, but everyone should know what I'm talking about. You wipe and wipe and wipe, but every time you wipe, you get a fresh streak of doo-doo. You know what makes that easier? A FUCKING WATER JET IN YOUR BUTTHOLE, THAT'S WHAT!

However, this technology is not perfect. You have to do a slight trial-and-error with your seated position in order for it to be of maximum efficiency. Ladies, this may not be so bad for you guys. Why? I'll explain later. Now, guys, there is always the chance it will hit you square in the balls. If it's low enough, it won't hurt... but trust me, it can hurt you. As you squirm to shield your giblets from Gyrados's Hydro Pump, there is also the unfortunate side effect of the water shooting out of the toilet and onto the back of your pants. When you first use this marvelous contraption, this may happen to you, but in no time, you'll be an expert in sitting just right so that Poseidon (or his toilet-equivalent) will rim you out when you need it most.

As I said to the ladies before, you don't have to worry about this. The worst that'll happen is you might get off accidentally. I know the sound of a surprise orgasm terrifies you, but I'm sure all of you will manage just fine.

However, all of you must use this awe-inspiring invention in moderation. Remember, you're in control. Do not lose yourself in the ecstasy of having water nymphs tongue-fucking your anus. Many a good man has lost his way. It's kinda like that mirror in the first Harry Potter... but instead of showing you what you desire most, it reveals that all you really wanted was to be anally penetrated by the weird aliens from the movie The Abyss. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go ahead and google it right now. I'll wait...

You back yet? Are you sure you saw the right picture... wait a sec... let me check. SUMMONING GOOGLE!

...



This one right here! This is the one I'm talking about. IT'S MADE OF WATER!

So... yeah... I got a little distracted looking for that Abyss alien...

Oh right! The toilets!... Actually, that's it. I don't really have any more information about these wonderful things... Heh...

Some of you may be wondering about standard of living here (here being Turkey, in case you forgot). It isn't much different from the US to be honest. I mean, there are more Roma (Gypsies) here. They try to hand you flowers and talk to you, and you just smile awkwardly because they've only memorized a few lines in Turkish that they keep repeating and you can't tell them you don't understand. Then, you give another Roma lady money on the street where you live, and this little Roma girl follows you to the gate of your apartment building while carrying her baby brother, and she repeats the same line in Turkish over and over again, and you try saying no in every language you know, and this continues for five minutes or more until she walks away giving you the evil eye. Yeah, but other than that, it's comparable to the US.

For my AA friends, there are English-speaking meetings. Most of the people that go are tourists, but there is a solid expat community too. One lady who has lived here for eleven years was telling me how it was to live here. She said that she thought she'd pick up Turkish by living here but she hasn't at all. Then, she followed that by saying that living here really makes you appreciate the freedoms you have in the US. I found this puzzling. I asked her which freedoms she was talking about. She listed Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Expression, and Freedom of the Press... My next logical question (I didn't say this, mind you. I had just met this woman. No need to let her know how snarky I can be. She will learn eventually.) was how would she even know that. She can't read or speak Turkish. How the hell would she even know if people can't say, publish, or do as they like? I have since talked to a few English-speaking Turks, and everyone of them felt personally insulted by such a suggestion. In fact, one (my roommate Hakuna Matata: the British-Turk) said that over here protesters get arrested for punching a cop, but they are usually just beat up, held for a couple hours in jail, and let go. So, let's do an experiment. One of my American readers need to punch a cop. You guys can elect one from yourselves. Sock the cop, and then report back with what happens. We can wait however long is your sentence. Smell that... that's freedom.

Anyway, more updates next week... or time... or whatever.