I know, I know. I did you dirty. I went on a two week hiatus. I get it. I had just earned your trust when out of the blue I just vanish. Do I have a decent excuse? No. Well, kind of. But actually, no... No, I do not.
So, I'm going to move along with this post and not focus on how I've failed you as your beacon of light in your grueling miserable lives.
Well... I mean, I guess I'll touch on what's been going on.
So, two weeks ago, I went to Lebanon. This time was different though. I went with my girlfriend... and the Turkish lira tanked so EVERYTHING WAS UNGODLY EXPENSIVE. I'm surprised I didn't have to start selling my ass in order to afford cab fare. Jesus.
What's interesting is that I had it set in my mind that I was leaving on a Saturday when in fact it was a Friday. Thank God I checked the day's date on Thursday or I would have been woefully ill-prepared for my trip... also, I would've had a very angry girlfriend on my hands.
Now, I love Lebanon. I love it a lot. I could never live there though. That much I knew before going. But it was during this trip that I realized that I've kinda outgrown going to Lebanon every summer. Don't get me wrong. Lebanon is wonderful, but it's a great place for a single, young man. Not that it's brimming to the rim with loose women and booze... it is... but I never went for that. Hell, I'm lucky to have a girlfriend on account of my "game" being virtually non-existent. This might come as a legitimate shock to some of you... I kinda talk a lot.... I mean... A LOT. I'm a conversation slut. But that doesn't translate to being a ladies man as some would think. When it comes to the ladies, I have as much tact as that one guy who stares at women like a fat man stares at the ice cream selection behind the glass. There's a lot of sweat, matched only by the sheer desire in his eyes, as he licks his lips furiously, puts a finger on each nipples, and sensually moans, "I've been a bad, bad boy... Ouuuuu!"
Where was I? Reading... reading... oh yeah! Lebanon. So I went to Lebanon as an escape to something familiar. The hustle-and-bustle of Lebanon is much like Puerto Rico. The traffic, sheer chaos, and culture are almost identical. Yet there is also a more traditional feel that Puerto Rico has lost that is ever-present in Lebanon, especially outside of Beirut. But, it is ultimately for a single, young man. I've usually gone there with one or more friends who are from there. They take me to the hole-in-the-wall places, the places only locals know, the famous sites, -y'know- the whole nine yards. I've always felt a part of Lebanon. It's always been this second home on this side of the world.
We would stay late into the night talking politics and history and religion while smoking argile/ nargile/ shisha/ ... *shutters* hookah. We were carefree and had no responsibilities. Mo would usually hatch a crazy scheme that would get us a rented van that looked like it was going to drop dead and ascend to car heaven. He would also insist on driving despite having the driving skills of an autistic sea otter who lost most of it fingers to a land mine. Was I the better driver? Of course, and no one can dispute that. What I'm saying is that this sort of thing is great if you are a sole adventurer. When the car broke down in Nabitieh in the middle of the night, it was all part of this crazy, fun adventure. It was experiencing the ups-and-downs of Lebanon.
Well, this time was different. There was no car, there was no Mo... I mean, there was... he just wasn't in Lebanon. He's still alive, and most likely his driving skills have not improved. My friend in Lebanon was busy with his finals. I was on my own with my girlfriend and a horrible exchange rate for Turkish liras. I should mention that I had an Arabic-speaking friend with me, but he's Iraqi. He was just a tourist like we were. Furthermore, my girlfriend mostly speaks Turkish, and so I had the role as translator. Not that it was bad. I love my girlfriend. I'm glad I got to show her what I could of Lebanon, but it was a different role. I was no longer an adventurer... I was a guide. Being a guide sucks... especially when you have to take taxis and buses everywhere. I had to be conscious of her sensibilities. Things that I usually shrug off are not the same things she would take lightly. The smells, the food, the landscape, the general chaos... these aren't appealing to some. Sure, there is the other side of Lebanon which is all non-stop parties and rampant cocaine use, but neither of us were interested in that.
I had to stop and think why Lebanon is so important to me and how can I translate that importance to her. The problem is that it's very personal for me. Lebanon is important to me as a Puerto Rican (because of the similarities) and as a Shi'a Muslism (due to a group that will go unnamed, but you totally know which group it is... they're great). Especially concerning the latter, I love going to the South (Jnoub) and taking it all in. I see people going their daily lives in peace and pride of where they are from, and I think of the sacrifices they had to make to have it and how they never wavered in their resolve for a better future. These are the people that fought the seemingly-invincible behemoth and sent it back with its tail between its legs, demonstrating that even monsters can bleed. My heart swells with pride knowing that we follow the same path in Islam. We venerate the same figures who served as examples in our fight against oppression...
so HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET SOMEONE ELSE TO FEEL THAT?!
... and in TURKISH, no less!?
I realized that I'll never be able to do that because my girlfriend isn't me. I can make parallels, but it won't ever be her reality. It will never have the same impact. Not to say it's impossible, but for a week-long vacation and taking into account my level of Turkish... yes, it woulda been fuckin' impossible.
Her world doesn't translate into the reality in Lebanon like mine does. Turkey was never colonized and it's biggest enemies have usually been internal. Puerto Rico and Lebanon were both colonized and both face threats from outside as well as from within (Puerto Rico: the US; Lebanon: Israel). She can only really be an sympathetic observer. And don't get me wrong, she's very sympathetic to a certain group that again will go nameless, but it isn't internalized. They are just allies for her, as opposed to brothers-in-arms.
With all that said, I realized that I've moved to this new stage in life. I need to be conscious of "we" and "us," not just "I" and "me." The days of being a lone adventurer are behind me. That's not to say my days of international travel are over; of course not. I just need to keep my other half in mind from here on out because it is my responsibility as a boyfriend and eventual husband... and -God help us- eventual father.
Growning up is fuckin' weird, guys... but it's not half-bad.
